


We need to start fake-dating.

by TwoPointNo



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Red Queen Week (Once Upon a Time)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoPointNo/pseuds/TwoPointNo
Summary: Snow is very close to setting up both her best friends in blind dates, Red knows the only way they can get out of it is being in a relationship already so why not fake one? She convinces Regina to act as her fake girlfriend to get Snow off their backs.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Red Riding Hood | Ruby
Comments: 21
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine 2020 coming through with time and mental space to finally finish WIPs even when the fandom must be dead! Enjoy.

\- I am going to say this exactly one time and if you laugh at me I’m ripping your arms off. We need to start fake-dating.

Regina looks at the waitress once, then at the plate she just put in front of her, and then at her again – Is there some hallucinogenic in the meals Granny is whipping up? Because I have a serious job to get to, dear.

Ruby puts on what must be her fakest smile to date, a good one too– No, listen to me. Snow is coming in a few minutes and she’s been getting restless, she’s been complaining about her lack of double dates, and she was acting weird yesterday – She bends down to wipe away at the un-existent grime at her table – She _will_ set blind dates for us and we _will_ give in. And I believe that today – the dramatic pause rivals Regina’s ones - is the day she acts.

As mysteriously as she came, Ruby goes and Regina frowns at her meal. She can’t go on dates with strangers, she’ll be driven to murder again in a matter of seconds. It’s best to shut this down. They might be… gods, _friends,_ but hopefully somewhere deep inside Snow is still scared for her life and that of her children. On cue the woman strolls happily inside, saying hello to any and every citizen that catches her eye, hugging Ruby on the way and stopping to kiss a baby, before finally spotting Regina and invading her booth with all the bearings of a queen. Regina sighs – Snow, how lovely of you to join me without even asking.

\- Yes. – She nods – And I have a surprise too! - Regina stays blissfully quiet and Snow hums in her seat, ready to explode at any prodding.

Red provides the outlet sidling up to them and pouring her a cup of coffee – I _love_ surprises. – She eyes Regina as she puts the cup between her and Snow

\- I found Regina a date!

Red turns strictly to Regina while she straightens up and leans against the side of Snow’s seat - Oh dear, the astonishment, however would we have known about this? – Regina rolls her eyes at the waitress and her pitiful rendition of sarcasm, and Snow looks between them both with a raised eyebrow. Red pulls away with her coffee pot before she can comment, and when she’s out of Snow’s visual space she points to herself. Regina shakes her head minutely and Ruby points to her then and makes a motion of slicing her throat for some reason, it looks like they’re playing a game of charades over Snow’s head

Who realizes something is up and frowns, turning quickly to find Red engrossed in serving coffee to someone else, and turns back – So? Are you thrilled or ecstatic?

\- Do they realize you’ve set them up with Evil Queen? – The fries on her plate call to her but, however could she eat with impending doom before her?

\- Oh, yes! He’s so happy, he says he’s always liked you. – Snow reaches for her hands over the table.

Hand holding has always been the first step, Regina tries to weasel away - I’m sure he has dear, as I am sure you asked very nicely putting on some big doe eyes. I’ll pass.

\- No, Regina, he likes you! – She puts on the mentioned doe eyes – I’ve already told him you’d go, and he got a haircut and everything, he’ll be crushed!

No whining has ever won Snow anything with her and she will not be starting now - Yes well, part of being the Evil Queen is crushing the peasants, it keeps me young.

She wants to move, to finally take the first bite out of her chicken sandwich, but Snow clamps a hand around her wrist, earnest – No Regina, that’s not you anymore, you deserve to find love. After all we’ve been through, even when you were _hunting_ me I never lost faith in love. And look at Emma, she’s miserable because she destroyed your happy ending! Oh, she’s so torn up about it – The woman looks like she’s on the verge of tears, as has Emma for a few months, It’s quite annoying really.

Regina rolls her eyes but sits back, trying to reclaim her hands to no avail until she gives up -Snow, I do not need a date.

\- But I already made the reservation to your name, for tomorrow night. Emma agreed to take Henry, he was so happy for you! He’s the one that told me you like the seafood restaurant- Regina takes one deep, tortuous breath as she thinks of Henry being involved in whatever this is, pitching in ideas, Snow dials it up just then - He just wants to see you happy! Please? He should see you trying to be happy.

\- I…- Snow’s tentative smile starts growing and Regina grits her teeth, mother had told her time and time again love was weakness, and there she is, getting conned into a date to appease Henry and Emma and _Snow_ like a malleable peasant. She refuses. If she’s going down, she’s going down on her own terms. – I am seeing someone else already, so this is unnecessary. I am happy, I have found love. You can forget all about this charade and leave me to my lunch. – She sighs in defeat as she reclaims her hands and Ruby gives her a thumbs-up from the far corner, guess that’s what her life is now.

\- What? Who? Since when? - The waitress starts pointing at herself again and Regina steadfastly ignores her.

\- That is frankly none of your business. – Ruby’s eyes open comically from her spot.

\- Who is it? C’mon! Tell me, Regina! – Ruby’s expression grows even more strained as she points between them and forms a heart with her hands, nodding emphatically, Regina ignores her to glare at Snow, who is close to stomping her foot under the table – Why wouldn’t you tell me? We’re friends! Is this about the Cora situation? I am so _so_ sorry, Regina. I thought we were over it. – Snow wants to take her hands again, god.

She barks out at her - Mother is dead, is she not? – Snow has the decency to look ashamed for a second, and the treacherous part of Regina that likes the brat feels bad for her _again_ , she softens her tone – I am just a private person, is all.

\- Oh, okay… But please, tell me! Who is it? How did you meet? Henry doesn’t know though, Oh it’s very new! Are you just getting to know each other? Oh my god, Is he very fashionable? I kept my search strictly fashionable, I know Robin was kind of a forced thing… Will you guys come for dinner soon? Or I can call the restaurant and change the reservation for a table for four! Does he like seafood?

\- There is a conversation we need to have before I agree to any outing… - Behind Snow, and abandoning any pretense to serve tables, Red puts both hands on top of her head staring at her desperately, it’s a deep hole she’s digging for herself there. Snow will press and press until she finds some information and eventually this mysterious man of hers will be exposed as the non-existent person he is, how long can she maintain this before a fake fallout leaves her single and in mourning period again? She will buy herself a week, two tops, before the house of cards comes tumbling down on her head. She makes a choice – It’s Miss Lucas. Ruby. I’m in a relationship with Ruby.

Snow’s jaw drops slowly but surely, and her eyebrows knit together. For five seconds she looks at Regina, and then for five seconds she looks at Red who’s pretending to go about her business, then she turns back to Regina to gape some more and then, she finally responds – No.

Ruby is by their side in _one_ bound, Regina notes, and the wolf chuckles – No?

Before Snow can overcome her befuddlement Regina eyes Ruby by their side, she makes a point to not look up to anyone when she’s trying to belittle them, so she ends up glancing at the hips by her eye-level - Miss Lucas, I don’t appreciate you listening to my conversations

Red moves swiftly to sit by her side - But you sound so cute when you’re about to murder Snow, _babe_. – She bumps her with her elbow so she’ll move and Regina doesn’t, for at least thirty seconds, but she loses their match and moves further into the booth, and the wolf has the nerve to wink at her like she does at the desperate fools that tip according to the amount of flirting she engages in, they both turn back and Red smiles – Anyway, Snow. Yes.

\- No. – She shakes her head – Why would- Like- It doesn’t- My best friend and my… Regina.

\- You mean _my_ Regina – The huff that leaves the woman by her side makes Red laugh enough that both women glare at her, she shrugs – Okay, then. Good talk. Thanks for the seafood reservation, we’ll have a great night for you.

Snow puts her face down, covering her face with both hands, utterly defeated. It seems that with her dishonest admission Regina had laid a fatal blow like she never had before. The Queen before her whines – I had a date for her too. – and Red turns to mouth _I told you so_ her way. Regina curses the way her hair whips around her like it would in a Pantene commercial as she gloats.

Regina, ever the mayor, is proficient at dining as she types; and she proves this by, as they work on their lobsters, opening a document in her phone and creating a bullet list that goes just so:

  * They have been dating for five weeks, but there were a couple rendezvous before Henry was even alive; they had never deemed them worthy of mention because of the circumstances (curse)
  * They had reconnected one night after Regina went in looking for pie supplies close to midnight after watching some cooking show and realizing she did not have enough ingredients at home, it was so endearing Red let her in to make the pie there. Very cute and relatable.
  * Granny is not to be informed of the affair until they want to, and Henry has been kept out of it because Regina is reticent after introducing Robin much too fast.
  * They will not be seen in public doing anything more than they have ever been seen doing in public. Snow-related events are mandatory for both.
  * Anything but actual lips can be kissed in the name of keeping up the appearances.
  * They will not reveal the true nature of their agreement to anyone, to protect it.
  * In one month they will revise to see if a break-up can happen and it will be bad enough Snow will agree to respect their long period of adjustment.
  * Regina agrees to stop calling Ruby Miss Lucas and to stick strictly to Red, and to let herself be called something nice but not too saccharine by Red.
  * If Emma Swan suspects them they will first bribe her, and only _when_ it does not work can Regina scare her into submission.
  * Regina agrees that Snow asking her and not Red to be Neal’s godmother is a bit “fucked up” since Emma was never around for her to get to do any “godmothering”. It might be a talking point.



It’s important to add facts about each other that might come up in conversation as well, just in case Snow and Henry want to blow their act up by a well-meaning allergy mention. Regina shares the file with Red for her to do so but her first move is to rename the thing R + R <3 so Regina ads another bullet point

  * No composite names, no jokes on R squared, no name puns and no <3s.



The wolf follows with

  * Redgina strictly when Regina is not present. Got it.



Regina glowers at her phone before she remembers that she can glower at Red herself and raises her eyes to do just that. Red only takes her hands – Babe, if only for the waitress that’s Snow’s friend and will be reporting back, cheer up.

Regina fights the urge to turn in her seat to see who has been tasked with spying on them but that would be even worse than some glaring, so she smiles with all her teeth – Of course – She even rubs a thumb on the back of Red’s hand - You have very soft hands.

\- Right? I think every time I turn back form the wolf my skin just gets made from scratch. I have the cutis of a baby – She winks at her and Regina chuckles, somewhat honestly.


	2. Chapter 2

A whole three days go by before any further action is needed, but on the fourth day Regina is half-way through cooking dinner for herself when her phone buzzes with a text. It reads _Snow wants you to help with anniversary gift, reply with 1 to be saved._ She gingerly replies _1_ and then she adds _What does being saved entail?_ But the answer she gets to that is a call.

She sighs and turns down the heat on her stove, answering the phone – Yes?

\- Hey, guess who I’m driving to yours as we speak? – The hey had a few more Es than necessary, surely for show, or maybe the wolf is just as cheerful as the Charmings, who knows?

\- I thought I was being saved. – She wants to whine, really, if mother hadn’t beat the habit out of her she would’ve whined.

Red chuckles on the other side of the call - I know, I was looking forward to dinner too. I made her promise to be quick.

Snow’s voice carries up to her - Half an hour tops!

\- Did you hear that? _Only_ half an hour! See you soon! - Regina shuts the call off without a goodbye and takes a deep breath.

She has ten minutes at best, and there she is, wearing sweatpants with no make-up on, waiting on dinner to be finished and suddenly in the verge of having to fake a date in order to save herself from a night of Snow White’s romantically-inclined machinations. Magic can only do so much and she can’t leave the kitchen or turn off her stove just yet, she’s already compromised the integrity of the meal by lowering the flame when she took the call. She settles for fixing her hair and make-up just enough it’s presentable and conjuring a cardigan that will class-up her look, as well as her good slippers instead of her fuzzy socks she uses to laze around in when Henry’s gone to stay at Emma’s, maybe the comfortable look will work in their favor? Who knows.

The doorbell rings as she’s finishing up in the kitchen and she moves to take it, wrapping the cardigan tighter around herself. Red smiles wide at her when she opens the door – Oh, adorable – She waltzes right in, pressing a kiss to the very top of her head without breaking her stride at all and Snow trails inside behind her, head tilted to the side as she takes her in

\- Regina! Hello, didn’t you two have a date to get to?

\- And yet, here you are? – Regina closes the door after them after Snow flinches just a bit at her tone – We are staying in.

They walk inside and Snow’s gaze drifts between them, her mouth opens comically after a few seconds – Because Henry is at the loft. Oh gosh. – She flushes stopping to stand in front of them – I’m sorry- Oh… I’ll go.

Red laughs and shrugs - No c’mon. I drove you here, didn’t I? it’s cool Snow. Lay it on us. – Red drops herself on the couch, crossing one leg over the other and Regina watches her, hesitating for one moment before she sits next to her, close but not close enough she has to make contact with the ample leg surface exposed. Red throws her arm behind her, but it stays on the back of the couch.

Snow looks at her best friend briefly and then turns to Regina, who doesn’t seem quite as willing but hasn’t told her off yet, so she starts. Regina sighs as Snow settles in to yammer on and on about her three plans to celebrate her wedding anniversary with David. They’ve decided it’s going to be the 30th one soon apparently, despite Emma Swan’s age proving otherwise, and even if they haven’t lived the thirty years together she wants to do something special. All three of those plans sound like Regina and Emma will have to provide some magic and honestly this is more about asking for help than asking for opinion, the wolf likely in for some heavy lifting _and_ some crafts as the date grows near. Regina rolls her eyes at some of the more simpering points of the multi-step extravaganza she’s explaining and whispers to her right, since misery does love company – I won’t be able to remember all this. You’d think she’d bring a PowerPoint presentation and email it to us.

By her side Red chuckles and turns enough she can whisper in Regina’s direction as well – And David is probably going to buy her socks.

She smirks and angles her head as well, eyes still squarely on Snow and her gesticulating – I’m more inclined to believe roughly 24 hours before the day he’ll be asking you for help with a dinner.

\- Oh, you’re on – Red mumbles her way and Regina turns fully then, to challenge her. The wolf holds her gaze – You don’t know them like I do. Who knew you’d be the one putting money on David’s lane?

Regina doesn’t back down, ever - Bad gift versus mediocre dinner it is, winner picks her prize. – She raises an eyebrow to seal their wager

Red smirks at her as she nods resolutely - Never thought having a runner up to Snow’s best friend would have perks. – Long gone are the days where Regina would try to deny the claim, but she still manages a small scoff to save her dignity and Ruby’s smirk turns into an amused smile, she would know, their faces are very close.

\- You guys are really together? Like, _really_? – Snow’s voice registers to them both again and they turn briskly her way, she’s sat down on one of the single chairs across them, surely after realizing they tuned out halfway into her monologue. She was really looking forward to getting their input but now that they were a couple she was obviously not the most important one in the room anymore. She shakes her head a bit to get rid of the thought, she is not a selfish kid anymore, she is elated for her friends that have found happiness… in each other.

Red’s hand drops to Regina’s shoulder and pulls her even closer – Of course, you didn’t believe us? It took a lot for us to open up to you. – She turns to Regina with a frown – See, telling her was unnecessary, we would’ve been fine if you went on a date with a rando anyways... – Regina can’t help raising an eyebrow at her, she never knew the wolf to be such a convincing actor, but then again, she had never bothered to pay attention beyond the looks, even after the curse broke and their proximity to Snow had forced them to spend some time in the same room in a few occasions.

\- It was just such a long shot! – Snow looks between them and seeing Regina’s eyebrow shoot even higher, before either of them can get even more offended, she tacks on - I mean, Red, I didn’t know you like women!

Regina wants to laugh at that, but they need a distraction. Plus, she likes to torture Snow as much as she can these days, and the little angry blush she musters when embarrassed is a source of joy. So, she frowns deeply – Just her? What do you know?

Snow stammers for a second – I.. I.. The handmaidens… they used to talk! – and the blush is there, creeping up on her

\- To _you_?

Ruby holds her free hand up – Wait, wait, the _handmaidens_?

\- Well, not to me. Around me. Maybe they thought I didn’t pay attention to them, but I did.

Red gapes at both of them with a mischievous look in her eyes – And you kept _this_ secret? What happened to them? Did you banish them? Because you _did_ have your teenager crush on Regina, it must have killed you _–_ The blush forms completely then, reaching down into her neck even. Regina smirks in front of her, of course a best friend would be equally as enthusiastic about torturing Snow, or so sitcoms had told her.

\- What?! I didn’t have a crush on Regina! - Snow shrieks, she shoots up from her seat and stomps her foot – I didn’t get rid of anyone, they’re still around! Veronica is one of them! She liked to brag the most.

The wolf laughs and turns to Regina then – Oh, you are really slumming it! There’s only two other waitresses at Granny’s for you to go through. Should I warn them? – In front of them Snow relaxes a bit and the fun is drained out of the situation, how dare the wolf attack her like _they’re_ friends suddenly? She takes a breath.

\- Enough. – Snow freezes at the tone and Red’s chuckles die down, while Regina straightens herself in her comfy outfit – Snow, I believe your half an hour is up. – She nods a few times and blinks in her spot for a few seconds before realizing there’s not much else to her dismissal and leaving, dragging her feet out of the room and towards the door waving at them both. Regina waits to hear the faint click of the door and stands, looking at the wolf sitting comfortably on her couch, now smirking at her– Well Miss Lucas, I do believe our mission here is done. I will be seeing you in another occasion.

Red shuffles on her seat – Oh c’mon, I was just teasing a little. You suck at fake-dating, we gotta be friendly for it to work. Let me stay around for a while… what if someone sees me out and tells Snow? She has eyes everywhere, trust me.

Regina ponders that for a moment, if she feeds Red then there will only be one plate leftover, which Henry will devour when he comes by the next day and then, who’s going to feed Emma Swan? But it was a nice thing of Red to stave off Snow, she would’ve surely monopolized an entire night with each of them if left unchecked. She sighs then – We are not friends, Miss Lucas.

\- Friend _ly_. Plus, we share our love-child: wee, little, soft Snow; attached to both of us. Our Henry. If you can stand Emma… - She shrugs and burrows further into the couch, the smirk coming back full force. It is a good smirk too, few people can manage one.

\- Fine. – Regina flicks her hair back in place.

\- And you’ll tell me about the handmaidens?

\- No. – She dusts off her cardigan.

\- That’s ok. I’ll just ask Snow, she’s loose in the mouth. Or Veronica, she likes to brag.

\- Fine. – She lifts her chin and Red laughs as the woman turns swiftly towards the kitchen, she is kinda cute being aloof in her loose pajama pants.

Red stands to follow happily to where the smell of food is coming from, looking around the hallway at the little mementos of Henry’s existence strewn around. She even spots a picture of Emma, Henry and Regina stuck to the fridge with a magnet and she marvels at it, she didn’t know things were so functional around there. As Regina serves both plates with ease she sits down on the island - Look at you: you cook, bake, make your own booze, take care of the kid. Shit, I might fake-marry you. Unless… no dear, don’t tell me… you’re sleeping with the help?

\- Ha. Ha. Hilarious. – She drops a plate in front of her with an eyeroll and moves to sit in one of the stools, leaving one empty between them. Red smiles as she takes her first spoonful, moaning as she goes – Keep sleeping with them, you’re learning the real valuable stuff.

\- Let’s make this quick. Part of their job description was dressing me, undressing me, bathing me… it was easy to escalate. It was only two or three of them a few times. – Regina worries she’s blushing or something of the like, she does sound quite agitated. Red gives her a pointed look - For the love of god... Leopold was very much a misogynist pig so for him, anything I did with a woman did not constitute cheating, that seemed to be where most of those decrepit men stood on the issue, it was a loophole in my favor – Red drops her head on her hands to lean in and listen to Regina’s story. – Well, these girls were about my age, tasked with trailing my every move, and at the risk of sounding vain, I am very alluring.

She finds no resistance there, the wolf nods even - I get it, that’s why you’re my fake boo. I was shooting for the stars. God tier only.

Regina files that for later and goes on – I am not stupid either, I could sense some of them sneaking glances at me when they could. The first time it happened I was feeling defiant, Veronica was undressing me, and she was being very brazen about it. They were not supposed to look at you, let alone hold your gaze as they disrobe you. I dismissed the rest of them and asked her point blank if there was anything she had in mind. She did.

Red hums, shoveling more chili in her mouth - Love it, thus began your torrid love affair with the servants. – she chews happily – I have to say, very HBO. Nothing ever happened when Snow was Queen, besides the ever-present feeling of Evil-Queen-shaped doom, nothing good.

Regina laughs wholeheartedly at that one, surprising Red even, mid-mouthful of rice. When her laughter winds down Regina smirks – Perhaps she was running a tight ship… I kept all the fun servants if I do say so myself. I wonder, how many handmaidens did you try and fail to seduce?

\- Oh, I’m straight. Snow was right on that one, I did fail to seduce one of the woodworkers… he was married. Every dude my age was kinda married already, shitty castle to live in. – She sits back in her stool pensively – I was old by Enchanted Forest standards. Shit, I would’ve died alone.

Regina entertains very briefly telling her that she’s not old by any standards here and dying alone is very unlikely for her of all people, and she had briefly entertained that thought many times in the 28 years that the curse lasted but there’s a crucial bit of information that doesn’t quite add up – If you are straight, why did you ask a woman for this fake relationship?

She shrugs – We’re both getting something out of it. Plus, a fake girlfriend is better than a fake boyfriend, because men get really touchy really fast, and imagine when the dude realizes he’s definitely not getting any, how hard would it be to keep that under control? If you’re like screwing someone I’m positive you’d be able to do it in a way that Snow doesn’t think you’re cheating on me ‘cause whoever you’re dating, they ain’t snitching. And Snow is guaranteed to be extra happy for me and then extra sad when we end things awfully… it’s a bunch of stuff really, I thought it through, you’re my best fake-match.

The wolf reaches up to tangle her hands in her own hair for a second, expertly turning it into a messy bun that Regina never had the privilege to wear herself when she had the appropriate amount of hair. She trails the move ravenously and then, when the wolf turns to smile at her when she’s done so she can see if her joke landed, only then does Regina realize what a colossally bad idea it was to agree to be her fake anything. Sure she had noticed before how striking the woman was, yes she had enjoyed many a meal in Granny’s watching her parade around in shorts, of course she had wondered just how strong she was when magic seeped into her when the moon drew nigh in the sky but now, now she was going to have to _spend time_ with her, the wolf was getting _comfortable,_ and the woman is _straight_.

She stands, putting away her half-eaten plate and downing her glass of wine swiftly, rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher, trying to avoid Red’s eyes as she follows her moving around the kitchen amused. Regina puts her mask on before turning back to her – You are welcome to stay, I’ll be retiring for the night.

\- Oh no, no. – She jumps out of her stool and blocks her path, one hand on the kitchen island and the other on the counter – It is Friday night and you have no kid for the foreseeable future, we should drink!

\- I would rather not. – Does she look like a frat girl? Is it the sweatpants? There was a reason she only wore them when she was certain it was a night in with a book.

\- I bet you’re a moody scotch drinker, sitting all quiet, remembering all your sad shit. – some of the strands of her bun start losing their grasp and falling around her, it adds to the look somehow and Regina can’t help but be a bit swayed – Tonight, we do tequila, I pick the music, and we finish this pot of chili at two am before passing the fuck out. Let me call the liquor store to ask for a couple bottles, I’m a heavy drinker.

She gives her just enough time before taking out her phone that Regina knows she can back down and it’ll be okay, regardless the grin on her face is endearing enough that Regina gives her a nod and soon enough Red’s bouncing on the balls of her feet while she greets the man on the other side of the line as Regina picks up the plates left behind. The wolf motions that she’ll take care of them after the call is done but, it doesn’t matter who, any guest of hers won’t be cleaning in her house.

For every shot Regina takes, Red takes two. It’s the only way to ensure she’ll get drunk and stay drunk at least until she decides to go to sleep. So she doubles whatever Regina takes and sure enough in less than an hour of mostly drinking they’re both tipsy enough they start having pleasant nonsense conversation and Red turns it up a notch hooking her phone up in a speaker she finds in Henry’s room, Regina was sure he wouldn’t mind, sober Regina would’ve probably never let her go to the second floor in the first place but this Regina was sure he would not mind.

She starts the thing off with some light 80s rock playlist on Spotify, it’s what was on the radio when the curse first brought them to Storybrooke and they hum along as best as they can. She’s surprised Regina can hum along at all and she tells her so in between her double shots, Regina downs her shot and laughs, waiting for her cue to start, she knows the chorus with lyrics and all, so she does sing along and Red stands up to belt out, inviting her up but she refrains laughing at her.

As the song tapers out all the jumping and singing gets to the wolf, the red and black plaid button up she’s wearing gets thrown off to the couch as she hits a big finale, air guitar solo and all. Al the contorting makes her tank top ride up and Regina, drunk and distracted as she is, still manages to spot a white line by the side of her hip, she reaches out when Red stands again and passes by her side – May I ask?

\- Yeah, one of your dudes tried to slash me open – She laughs over an ad playing though the speaker – Only one that stuck though, the other ones tried to slash the wolf open and that big motherfucker does not scar over a scratch with a normal sword. Learned to turn before getting to the soldiers. - Regina’s breath turns slow from her seat, and she glances up to Red with an apologetic look, the woman laughs again – Hey it’s all right, I ate his foot. Don’t worry about it.

Regina sputters for a second before laughing out loud at that, the Enchanted Forest was truly a horrible place. She pulls down her own cardigan on the left side and strains the fabric of her shirt to show Red an ugly mark, just by her bra strap – Arrow. Magic couldn’t fix it completely.

\- Oh yeah, I was there. We thought for sure we had gotten you that time but I guess… shoulder, not heart. Snow is kinda bad at night. – She bends down by the waist to inspect it closer and her warm breath ghosts the spot off by the side of her breastbone – Shit was metal as fuck though. I remember you were in a horse, carrying a sword, this arrow flies into you, and the scream you let out was more anger than pain I swear to god, and you _still_ rammed that sword into one of ours before you rode off with your guards. You are the most badass bitch I’ve ever seen, hands down.

She straightens up again with her faraway look and Regina’s body misses the warmth instantly, standing after her – You’re not so bad yourself

She gets another wink, sloppy and entirely devoid of any flirt but still, it makes her stop to gather her thoughts as the music picks up again and so does Red’s unique form of dancing, involving lots of independent movement, she’s entirely gone into her swaying as she speaks over the first riff – I lost my virginity to this song! God, siri next!

Siri ignores her, but Regina does not – That came out a few years into the curse.

She takes two shots without Regina taking any, and then she hands Regina her respective shot – And she’s a rock connoisseur too! – The word that leaves her mouth is unintelligible, but Regina gathers she was going for connoisseur. She takes her shot and hums, her drunk much less energetic than Red’s who keeps dancing – Tequila is a no judge zone. I didn’t know, but that was definitely the first time. I ate my serious boyfriend In the Enchanted Forest okay?!

\- That was years before I cast the curse… how did you manage so long? – Before she can answer some inane thing about sex not being a basic human need Regina amends – Looking like you do. – she shouldn’t have amended.

Red stops her twisting and twirling – Is that a compliment? – She drops herself on the couch and Regina follows her down. The wolf scoots until they’re too close, head on the back of the seat tilting towards her, smirk firmly in place and eyes boring into hers – You would’ve seduced me if I was one of the servants?

\- Could I have? I hear you’re straight – Tequila will never be drunk by Regina Mills ever again.

For a few seconds that feel like minutes Red stares at her with an unreadable expression and Regina ponders how long until she sobers up and is able to whip up a memory potion, who will Red have told by then? How many doses will she need? If she manages to wipe out the entire week out of everyone’s minds so it is last Friday, will the computers tell them? But eventually the smirk turns into a smile that turns into laughter – I’ve been drinking with the wrong crowd for three decades. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

She finally lolls her head away and Regina breathes out in relief, takes another shot for whatever is about to unfold – I robbed you of the sheer joy of knowing it was your first time. Spare me the details of this crime of mine.

\- You speak like a thesaurus even drunk – Once again the intended word doesn’t quite match with the slurred one, but context clues are a god send – And it was great! As the slutty waitress I was, I had moves, it was fun. I don’t think it would’ve been that good if I wasn’t cursed, and it only dawned on me when the curse broke. I have you and only you to thank for that orgasm - Maybe Snow has asked her best friend to torture her slowly, and that’s what has been going on. The song that drove her into this situation fades into another one and Red takes the two shots she’d neglected to – I know Snow’s dad was probably the shittiest first time ever so, unless you have some sexy, rolling in the hay, illicit, woodsy boyfriend story, we’ll just skip to Veronica. - Regina raises an eyebrow at her and Ruby laughs - I need some dirt on her. Details for details?

\- Maybe I don’t want your details. – Which truly isn’t a lie, lest she gets drunker and this newfound lust for the local waitress leads her to murder on a fit of jealousy.

\- I’ll make it juicy. This is a guy you know.

Regina sighs and relents, sinking into the couch as Red sits up excitedly – Okay, picture the best, sunniest, breeziest summer Sunday afternoon this town has offered – Regina makes a sound of assent and Red smirks – Now picture the worst, shitty, snarky, still-think-she’s-monarchy mayor that made her assistant go in to get some paperwork prepared for Monday for whatever reason.

\- Oh, god.

\- Yeah, so, I go in with take out. Whole building is deserted. And Regina your assistant is so beefy, god, those shirts he wears are just about to burst all the time. – The waitress laughs at her horrified expression, it was decades ago but the beefy man in question still sits outside her office everyday with her coffee order he picks up from the diner before getting to town hall, he was a guard and one good enough she never dared lose him. She might lose him now – He was all mopey about working on a Sunday and I had time, so I sat down right? turned on the radio, made conversation, and he offered to share some of his fries… you have to keep in mind I was very into that shape of food back then, loved eating it very slowly. Remember that couch that was there until like the 90s? We almost broke that thing several Sundays before you eased up on him… and on life. He had a lot on pent up anger at that desk job on the weekends, heard he got beefy because he was a guard since he was like fifteen or something? Thanks again Regina!

At least the couch was gone, and the affair sounds over - You didn’t dare defile my office, did you?

\- Oh no, we were scared shitless of you. The adrenaline of you maybe getting there only made it better. – She laughs airily and reaches down to kick off her shoes, settling in better in the couch and serving three more shots for them to take. – But look at us now! You’re all I need; all my other friends are Disney princesses and they do _not_ want to discuss. – she shows her her phone, where sure enough the group chat is called Ruby’s princesses and it contains every princess in town including Emma Swan, - Mulan isn’t princess of anything but Disney counts her. Ok, your turn.

\- I don’t have the porn-worthy setting you had.

Red guffaws – Oh please, my thing was mild, I bet with you it was all BDSM, you’d go _Kneel!_ and she’d just be kissing your feet like _Yes, My Queen. Where do you want me, My Queen? Take me, My Queen._

Whatever raspier tone that was Regina tries desperately to not fixate on it, or on the shorts before her as Red stands to change playlists to something, lord, slower; and comes back to drape herself by her side again, more tequila being poured. She chuckles – Please, have you met Veronica? She was insufferable about it after the first couple times to the point I started finding ways to humble her.

\- Like what? She can be humbled?

\- Not really – they both laugh and Regina takes her shot with a grimace, it was getting to be too much – First I just tried to stick to one other girl, but she didn’t quite make the cut. – Red laughs at that and the laughter comes with her hair tumbling down around her, Regina rolls her eyes at the offending thing – Then one night I summoned her and her alone again and she got cocky as soon as she walked into my chambers, so I had her go back down to get cleaning supplies and scrub the floor thoroughly and then leave.

\- I would’ve ate you right then and there. – Regina chokes on her own breath and downs another shot to hide it, and the wolf doesn’t even realize – and not in the good way. Like, what a bitch move.

\- Yes, I was developing my mean streak. So, I would call her up, and have her do menial tasks and then, if I deemed she had behaved, we’d sleep together sometimes. One time I asked her to feed me – Red leers and she tacks on quickly – cut up fruit, and I just had her doing that for an hour; I definitely lost that time, she was doing it patiently and I did not wait… after that if I asked her to feed me anything we both knew what was happening.

\- Aw where’s the embarrassment? What teasing material did I get? – she pouts just enough it’s funny and Regina smiles, dazedly, well past the alcohol getting to her

She _shrugs_ , for Christ’s sake - She slept with the Evil Queen, what’s worse than that? She must be hiding the fact.

\- Regina, you’re the biggest idiot in this town if you think sleeping with you is a bad thing. I think there’s a line, like men were plotting Robin’s murder to get to you. The minute Snow lets _this_ secret slip I’m gonna be fighting women on the street too. Like, Veronica might shank me in the middle of a shift when she hears.

\- Dear, I think it’s the other way around.

\- Sure, Whale wants to fuck me, the other creeps too. If there’s like a lot of lesbians I’m sure they think my cleavage is nice, what’s new? But no one actually cares about the town slut slash hairy monster. I’m probably lowering your points with this, you’ll be stained by this brief fling with me. – Regina makes a noise of protest and Ruby downs her corresponding two shots as she shakes her head slightly - You are beautiful, smart as hell, good with kids, great on the money side, hot but classy, and kinda funny if you like mean, and most people _do_ like mean, let’s be real. Plus, you can work a sword with one arm while the other has an arrow impaled. And magic. You’re magical. Fuck, I _am_ gonna get stabbed.

Regina can only blink a few times at that, she puts her hand on Ruby’s thigh and pats her gratefully – Well Miss Lucas you too are very beautiful, loyal to a fault, charismatic, vessel to a magnificent creature, quite amusing and very tall. Anyone should be honored to be with you. Maybe you should have let Snow find you a date.

\- Yeah, I can only go downhill from here. It’s gonna be like _this_ dude? After Regina? Why did you fuck that up? Go grovel and maybe she’ll take you back – her head lolls back to the position where she can stare into Regina’s soul and her lips grow into a grin again. When Regina chuckles she follows suit with laughter. The song changes and she starts tapping her feet to the Rhythm, no tap lands on any appropriate drum beat and she frowns – I think we should murder that chili now and call it a night.

Regina nods immediately, she needs to compose herself, quickly - You are welcome to stay

\- Yeah?

Regina nods – It’s too late for you to be walking or… running like this. Definitely not driving… - Red smiles at her briefly and in front of them, on the coffee table her phone lights up with a text.

Regina stands as Red picks both the phone and the tequila bottle up to forgo the shot glasses and drink the last fingers straight out of it – Should we butt-dial Snow? – she asks but she’s already calling

\- A bit on the nose, no?

\- She thinks I can’t scheme at all, so it’ll work out – She tilts the phone far away from her and Regina wants to oppose but Snow answers with a sleepy hello from her side. Red smacks a kiss on her own arm and moans

Regina gapes, hopes she's not blushing or the wolf is too drunk to see her blushing - Miss Lucas!

Red grins and kisses her own arm again, slurs her sentence out as she jumps out of Regina’s reach – I love it when you call me that, babe. – A little squeal comes from the phone and within a second Snow hungs up

\- Why would she even answer?! It’s past 1 AM

Red shrugs – Why? Are you jealous?

-I am simply amazed at the lack of boundaries 

Snow skips happily up the path to Regina’s house after having a good breakfast and making sure David was all settled in after his night shift. Neal gurgles on her arms filled with joy at the white imposing house his favorite person in the universe lives in and she even went to the market and bought a basket of fresh apples to apologize for putting her foot in her mouth so many times the day before.

She’s only about to knock when the door opens and her best friend, Red, stands there blinking at her. Wearing a pair of sweat-capris? And a tank top, hair and makeup askew and a dish rag thrown over her shoulder she glares – Regina’s still asleep and your baby is very loud! And you were going to ring the doorbell?! – She takes said baby in her arms, with a smile, and moves inside cooing at him

\- It’s almost 11 AM, why would _Regina_ be asleep? - she lowers her voice to a hushed tone -Red, did you sleep here? - Of course she would have, after last night's call and since Henry was with them at the loft. C'mon Snow, you're not a prude. She follows her to the kitchen where she’s got breakfast going on and her eyes open up more - Red, do you live here?

\- What? No. I just stay over sometimes. When Emma is keeping Henry. - they're having sex! Mary Margaret's mind squeals, of course they would Snow's mind replies, neither can quite imagine the logistics though.

The entire situation did the trick and woke Regina up because she rushes in the kitchen to see what the commotion is in her house and finds them standing around. She composes herself as much as she can when she remembers she’s got an audience, and even a willing co-star, and Neal launches himself from said co-star’s arms towards her.

As she steps forward to catch him the wolf smiles at her beatifically – Mornin’. You look like shit.

\- I loathe you and your wolf metabolism- Red slides her a glass of something effervescent laughing and Regina drinks it in one go as Neal starts his usual manhandling of her hair – Thank you, dear.

She stirs something in one of Regina’s pans – Snow White comes here to visit with a baby often? – Snow jumps behind them at being mentioned

Regina stops kissing Neal’s pudgy cheeks - Why? Are you jealous? – She moves around her to bend down and put the glass in the dish washer and they smirk at each other

Snow lets them have their moment, for five seconds - Are you guys fighting over me? – The smirks turn into laughter and Ruby plates eggs, bacon and pancakes she’d produced.

Red goes for – Never. - setting the plate on the island in front of Regina and kissing the top of her head to under mark her point.

And at the same time Regina snarks - Don’t you worry, we’ll find a custody agreement that works.

They glance at each other again and smile over Neal’s head, and Red moves to plate her own food – I’ll eat my breakfast and get out of your hair. You can do whatever boring mom activities you guys like to do.

Red leaves as soon as she can to leave them alone, going to the car still in her sleepwear and carrying her clothes in one hand and as soon as the door is closed Regina has all mention of Red banned from conversation that day, and Snow obliges. She doesn’t want to oblige, she wants to know why there’s a red plaid shirt draped over the back of the couch, but Regina simply vanishes it somewhere and focuses of Neal’s attempts to walk and things of the like, on how many balloons Snow gathers she’ll have to buy to fill up the loft’s living room for David, on how soon will she be going back to work so the school isn’t short-staffed. That kind of non-Red-related thing that Snow doesn’t have the mind for when she’s just witnessed her best friend in her ex-step-mother’s house wearing pajamas and briefly holding hands.


	3. Chapter 3

As expected it took Snow only Sunday to spread a rumor. On Monday Regina’s assistant calls her Mayor Mills after years of being upgraded to first name basis, Henry texts demanding to know why the children at his school were asking him if Red wears regular clothes inside the house, Emma Swan texts a string of emojis long enough Regina gives up by the third one and Kathryn calls demanding an in-depth explanation in the middle of the workday. Across town Red deals with a much direr situation, if it isn’t a new leer or a terribly personal question, it’s some dig at her character or at Regina’s; Granny makes her sweat about it for a while as well and Veronica herself offers her a disbelieving _huh_ with a grin that leaves her deeply uncomfortable for at least an hour; and the group chat is relentless in their prodding to the point that she locks her phone in the back office before the vibration rips a hole in her pocket.

But they survive those first few weeks without doing much outside of interacting normally in the diner and maybe laughing at some joke when they do, which has gotten much easier since that night of drunken bonding and Red’s continuous sending of funny images via text to Regina. They’re friend _lier._

It’s Henry who forces them back into the heavy acting the second time around, there’s family dinner at Grandma’s and he decides Red should be there. She tries to tell him she’ll wait on an actual invitation for that, but he calls nonsense; who could possibly have an issue with her going to the family dinner if Regina, the only member of their family prickly enough to object, is dating her? She can’t fight his logic, surely that’s a problem for the family and the other people they do date, so Red gets cajoled into a family dinner and Regina only laughs at her when she calls to inform her.

And Regina starts laughing at her again when she spots her while waiting at the top of the stairs outside of Snow’s loft. She jogs the rest of the way up so she can sidle up to her with a glare – What? – She had made sure to be early and well presented.

\- Too much. – Regina eyes her up and down, after having done it through the window when she was walking up to the building, she takes in the heeled boots followed by respectable jeans, a white shirt tucked into it, buttoned all the way up, and a red blazer over it. She did her hair up even, make up too. – This isn’t formal, and they already know you.

Red frowns at Regina picking at her dress – Me? This is fucking Gucci or something. You have Louboutins on.

\- This is how I look like every day, though. – Red harrumphs in front of her, like she didn’t know _that_ , and Regina’s smile grows again, she tugs at the blazer - Let me take this off? I’ll keep it safe in my car. – Red hesitates for a moment and Regina pulls her closer – Emma will never let you live this down.

She sighs then, and nods once. Like an act of magic her blazer is gone. It _was_ an act of magic because she didn’t take it off and it is not even in their vicinity. Regina’s hands get right up on her again, she rolls up Red’s sleeves quickly and sneaks her fingers up into the base of her neck, to pull off the pins holding the thing together. The hair tumbles down around her shoulders and she groans, there goes her half hour. Regina chuckles at her and the sound grabs Red’s attention again, they look at each other for a moment as Regina slides her hands down to the shirt, to undo the first two buttons deftly. Red wants to make a smart comment about the whole thing but Emma swings the door open just then, while Regina slides her hands even lower to pull the shirt out of Red’s jeans.

She stops by the waist, not quite managing her last mission, and Emma eyes them and smirks – Shit, we were doing button-ups tonight? I have a tie somewhere, I’ll dust it off – She looks down at her ratty band t-shirt and summons a floating sweatshirt as she walks right past them, clapping them both in the nearest shoulder – Do you guys want coke? I’m gonna go get some real quick.

She disappears bounding down the stairs two at a time after they decline and Red deflates in front of her, Regina taking her hands back like she was burned. Red chooses not to pay any attention to that – I thought this was like… a thing. Royal family dinner.

Regina shakes her head just enough her hair moves in a flurry, but it returns to its position perfectly – David might very well be in sweatpants in there. He’s done it before.

Red wants to have faith in David, he’s a good, honest man. – Black?

\- Grey. – The sheer disgust that passes through Regina’s expression is enough for Red to understand all her fears have come to pass for that woman.

She clutches her chest with one hand as she uses the other arm to loop in around Regina’s elbow to pull her forward - God, in front of the children?

As it stands, Regina looks like she flew straight from Paris to this dinner, Snow looks like Snow having a Mom kind of day, Henry is wearing his school uniform still and Emma and David look like they’re about to go bed after the meal. So that makes Red a distant second definitely, the blazer would’ve stepped up her game, but this is fine as well. And as they have their meal crammed around Snow’s table she starts mulling it over, she does have to step her game up, she’s Regina’s date, she should be a _high_ second at the very least given that no one will ever be a co-first with The Mayor. She’s already gotten rid of the red streak but maybe it’s time she starts getting sweaters and pants or something, she’s borderline thirty, why is she still dressing like Ruby Lucas? The girl was having some sort of crisis every day, fighting Granny, getting kicked out of bars. She can do better. 

She turns to Regina briefly – Hey what are you doing tomorrow?

The woman turns to her, glad to look at anything but her plate and Red grins at that. That was some spectacular chili she had made the other night, that pasta in front of them probably wasn’t cutting it. – After work? If no monster attacks, maybe I’ll read a book.

\- Would you go shopping with me? Like, out of town. I could use the help.

Regina grins at her from her spot, putting down her cutlery and all – Why Miss Lucas, are you asking for my input? – Red rolls her eyes at her and points the butter knife as threateningly as she can, she breaks mid move smiling brightly, and Regina chuckles and nods – I’ll be honored. For the record, I don’t think you need any help. You look great, the public just wasn’t ready for any more tonight.

\- Wow, thanks. – Regina is much nicer than she lets on to the general populace, no wonder Snow is always raving about her and Emma keeps hanging out at her house. The minute you get to know her she mellows out.

Regina doesn’t even get to respond to her before Emma is reaching for the salt by their plates after they’ve ignored her twice and making a lot of noise about it, she motions between them with a fork – So what’s this about? Like, that’s just it? You guys are dating, and we just don’t ask any questions about how bonkers it is.

Red shrugs – Why is it bonkers Emma? – Regina glances at her from the corner of her eye and stays quiet, most frequent victim of the superpower as she is.

\- Well you guys never even spoke to each other too much, and then suddenly you’re together. – She doesn’t stop eating, god forbid drama of her own making interrupts her meal - Like I get bisexual, that’s not the weird part.

Henry chimes in from Regina’s side – Mom always said nice things about Ruby.

\- She likes Red more, dear. It’s her real name. - Regina corrects him softly, almost instantly, and fixes his bangs on his forehead with steady fingers

The boy looks up to his mother and amends – She always said nice things about Red before the curse broke. And after the curse broke she never said she was an idiot, and she said you were idiots. She would go _the idiots_ and say _Emma_ and _the wolves_ , and Red is grandma’s friend so she should’ve been in the idiots too. – It sounds like he’s tried to explain it to himself, Red curves her guilt at tricking him even if the lie is harmless.

Regina hums, she never realized that, it was a nice little fact – That you _are_ idiots, in present tense.

David answers with a huff and Snow touches his bicep, probably to reassure him it was a joke, well it wasn’t, but it wasn’t mean either. No one has actually told a lie while they’re sitting there and Red’s much too preoccupied with glancing softly at Regina to see Emma’s suspicious expression across the table. The blonde shakes her head – Like, of all the people in this town…. We’re just closing in the circle even more.

Red smirks – Since you _get_ bisexual maybe we can bust Zelena out of jail and you can try that. You’re the last two. – The only one that laughs is Regina and honestly, that’s enough.

Later, Emma looks from the window as Red bends her body to glance into Regina’s car, the woman hands her a red jacket from the passenger’s seat, Red takes it with a smile and waves at her while ruffling Henry’s hair as he circles her to get to the door. Emma stays looking at them as she hears Snow clean up – Hey, have you seen them actually kiss?

The woman shudders behind her – Emma, I’m trying not to think about it too much! But I guess, Red’s always taking advantage of the height she has on Regina and kissing her hair? It’s kinda cute.

Red skips on the opposite direction of the car, whistling a tune and with the jacket over her shoulders and Emma turns back finally – Do you think I should go out with Hook?

\- Oh honey, yes! That’s wonderful!

\- Like I thought. You’re clueless. Any romance will seem legit to you.

Henry had come along in their shopping trip. Apparently, he loved new things as much as the average person and his jeans were getting short. They do his section first, he runs into every store with the eagerness of a make a wish kid on their last ever shopping spree, like he isn’t filthy rich and gets new clothes every few months on a steady rotation. Regina had done a good job with that one. And she had also done a good job ignoring all the shoes she clearly didn’t want to ignore. While Henry disappears with his pile of things to try on Red laughs at her – You know if you want to go eye some leather heels sensually, you can.

\- Oh no, we’re here to shop for you, I’m already forcing you through Henry’s re-stocking, – Regina wills herself to smile brightly at her _friend_ while the alligator skin purse they had passed a few stores ago taunts her, it was the one she needs for a pair of shoes she’s yet to wear and she’ll have to return soon to get it, but they can focus on Red that afternoon – What are you looking for?

\- No, I love it. He’s so excited, now I’m excited. And I guess I felt good last night - Red looks at her for a good thirty seconds with a dopey smile Regina can’t quite place and then looks away – With the shirt, I mean. I only have like two in the closet. Plus, you know, sweaters, coats, full length pants! Red but not fire department red you know? I have three decades of jar money.

Regina chuckles through her explanations, it doesn’t sound too complicated and any other shade of red can only enhance the woman’s look. When Henry decides what to do with his $300 they can move on to Red’s shopping easily. He comes out with a miniature version of a leather jacket, with begging eyes and only one pair of jeans on top, that’s his choice for the day. One leather jacket, one pair of pants and a few graphic tees. Red holds her laughter as Regina pales by her side, all three in a silent dead stare

He breaks first under his mother’s eyes – It’s $290 all of it. – His smile is so hopeful, and his bangs fall back into his eyes as he showcases it

Red intervenes for him – Why don’t you go check out those purses you were ogling, and I’ll line up with him, then we’ll meet you at the ice cream place. – Not one word. Regina stands there looking at her and clutching her card like her last hope. Red has to pry Regina’s card out of her hand as she guides her out of the store, chuckling at last when the kid bounds to the line knowing he’s won – You did decide to go halfsies on a kid with Emma. – The Queen huffs at her and turns around, probably to verbally lash at her, Red shushes her – Go get your obscenely expensive thing, it’ll feel like therapy. Ice cream in 15 minutes.

She does indeed buy herself the clutch in question, already plotting her next outfit now that she owns all the bare minimums for it to work. She holds the bag like a lifeline as she enters the ice cream parlor, they are deep in discussion of Marvel films so they slide her a sundae without a second thought to her presence. She sighs as the first spoonful meets her tongue, and only then does Red glance at her for a moment, her lips bending into a smile and her eyebrows climbing up in her forehead. Henry sacrificed his remaining $10 for her ice cream and she will thank him by eating it whole with gusto, and letting him keep bangs on his eyes as he likes to, and Red should very well wipe the smug expression from her face and eat her cone of gooey rocky road.

They don’t have to go too far to find a store she can shop at, and Henry runs off to one filled with electronics wearing his jacket already. Regina rolls her eyes and picks up a long coat in terracotta for Red to try on with a white blouse of the non-frilly selection. The wolf gives her a thumbs up as she glances around the racks, coming up with a blood-red cable knit sweater and a black thick wool scarf too. Regina lifts an eyebrow – Dear, are you cold?

\- Oh yeah, the wolf – Red glances around and comes closer, probably only to be able to lower her voice and avoid being overheard, but there goes the lust again – When I’m the wolf I have a built-in coat, the rest of the time is a challenge, and all my stuff is see-through, and it has holes… I’m looking forward to being warm.

Regina instinctively looks down, noting the thin fabric and the red underwear under it, not for the first time in their little expedition if she’s being honest – Your tips will see a decline, I’m sure.

The wolf shrugs, grabbing a black leather jacket to match Henry’s – Actually, I’m thinking of asking Granny to give me the manager gig. No tips there. – She hands her a similar jacket – Get one too!

She hangs it right back with a laugh - I have black leather jackets, thank you.

Red’s eyebrow goes up – Jackets? As in more than one? When will her Majesty do me the honor of wearing them? - Regina laughs at her and she pouts playfully – Pretty please? With a bow on top?

\- I can manage, it doesn’t clash with my new clutch – The wolf straightens up and circles her to get to more sweaters, or so Regina thinks. She’s made it halfway through when she suddenly stops behind her and engulfs her in a one-sided hug, lifting her up for a few seconds, making Regina laugh again – Who knew you were this excited to form a gang.

\- Oh, we’ll have them inscribed and everything! - She bounds away without another word to the dressing rooms and Regina trails her at a moderate pace, picking up more things for her to try on. She sits on a stool outside Red’s door answering a text of Emma Swan’s where she wonders where Henry is, and another of Snow’s where she wonders where Red is and whether Granny’s can make crème-brulées. She asks her so and Red comes out in a pair of black jeans painted on her, paired with a burgundy throw over a simple white blouse and Regina doesn’t quite get her answer until the third time she says it – Hey! Tell her we don’t have the flame-thrower thingy but it you’re gonna lend us your magical fingers we’ll make do. – It’s really the magical fingers bit that grabs her attention on take two, it helps her catch the first half in take three.

\- I will. That’s a good outfit too. – She regains the power of thought when Red retreats inside – So what’s this about managing Granny’s?

\- Oh yeah, I just want to like take over easy, so when Granny wants to retire she can without worrying I’m a mess. And she likes to stay in the kitchen, I want to be able to handle everything else. Is that stupid? - She comes out, same white blouse but the terracotta coat over her; a pair of slim-fit khaki pants on her; and Regina hates her for the length of her legs – These are super formal, I’m feeling them raise my seriousness as we speak.

She shakes any and all impure thoughts of her mind – I think it is a lovely idea. Helping your grandmother around and being proactive.

Red smiles at her thankfully and puts her hands in the coats pockets – And? How do I look? – Not that Regina’s approval doesn’t suddenly mean the world to her and that she wasn’t the first person she’d even told about it, but she was also there to shop.

The woman was already a model in her outfits inspired by an 80s teenager’s wet dreams but standing in front of her like a grown person Regina can only… nod – Yeah. Yes. It’s always good to have something other than jeans. Specially if you’re going to get very important very soon.

Red gives her an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she goes inside again, and Henry finds Regina, sitting on the floor by her stool with a wistful look on his face, surely coming from playing with an iPhone way beyond his clumsy hands’ abilities. Red’s next outfit is a pair of dark-grey jeans topped with the sweater Regina had seen her pick up under her leather jacket. And Henry claps – Oh cool! And jeans! – For half of his life Henry’s eyeline had been below the end of Red’s shorts and skirts so her getting even more pants that the pair he had seen the night before really was an innovation – You look so cool! Right mom?

She gives him one of those megawatt smiles she saves for him only - Very cool, indeed.

Red takes off the jacket and throws it playfully at her – How do you take the cool out of the word cool itself?

– Is this how you want them to remember you? Flinging clothing around and paying with a bunch of singles? – She motions to one of the security cameras with a tilt of her head and Red winks at whoever is behind the monitors as the sweater comes off next, it’s also chucked Regina’s way and Henry skitters around to carry the rest of Red’s purchases to the register for her.

They follow him outside as they do the math of just how much Red’s willing to spend for her new look. They’ll have to drop some redundant sweaters of the pile Henry is carrying. But while they debate he reaches the register and there’s no line so he dumps it right in front of the cashier, and she is happy to ring him up for the hundreds of dollars worth of items, he pushes his mom’s card that was still in his possession the girl’s way and she gives him a big, fake smile – Mom’s changing wardrobes huh? Are you sure she’s okay with this?

He shakes his head – No, It’s for mom’s girlfriend. – He points to them, stopped in the way checking out shoes and laughing, the girl supposes it does kinda add up, short one looks like a spender and tall one looks like she stumbled into a spender. – Mom’s wardrobe is okay, she only changes in spring.

That does it, the girl swipes the _debit_ card and Henry punches in the pin without as much as a smidge of hesitation and the girl smiles at him and his cute little bangs, the deal sealed – Your mom’s girlfriend is very lucky.

\- Yeah! – He nods taking the bags – Thanks, bye!

Ruby’s eyes bulge when he approaches them with his dumb little rich kid smile, holding out half the bags for her to take – Henry?! How did you pay for those?

\- Mom’s card? – The sheer panic in Red’s voice is the thing putting doubt in his heart, what was the issue? Mom was always at least a ten-bag person, those were only six bags. The wolf kneels in front of him with a scared look

\- Oh, no… no, no. Then, how much was it? – He shrugs, glancing at his mom. Red ruffles the bags – Where’s the receipt?! – He shrugs again, they’re not receipt people either… at least Regina seems amused above him.

She puts her hands on her face and shoots up again, looking apologetically at Regina – We’ll go fix this up. I’m so, _so_ sorry. – Honestly, she can see it now, everyone asking her how she had fucked up being with Regina Mills enough that the woman didn’t even speak to her anymore after that trip they took out of town.

Henry clears his own visual space and a frown forms on his face - I thought it was a gift

Regina laughs then, snatching the card out of his hand. And Red turns the color she’s named after by her side, before she can work herself into a frenzy Regina puts both hands on her arms and rubs them up and down – It’s okay – she chuckles – Hey, calm down, Red. Don’t worry about it. He was just being nice. You give me some free coffee this month and we’re even?

\- No! this is a shit ton of money, Regina. – she points to the bags.

\- Dear, I’ll be fine – It doesn’t appease her, so Regina slides her hands down to take Red’s – How’s this, I’ll check the bill and see how much it was, and we’ll divide that in lattes. I really want charge-free coffee. Picture it, I walk in there, skip the line, you give my latte and I walk out; some peasant bursts into tears in the middle of the diner on a fit of envy.

Red’s chuckles strain a bit at the beginning, but she relaxes at last, lowering her voice from the shriek-adjacent tone – Don’t you have the app? I can set you up with the bank’s app. No more bills.

Regina hums - We’ll have to take that out of the lattes, three lattes for setting up the app?

\- I am not charging you for setting up the app, you monster – She gives her a smile and Regina kind of melts in front of her, just a tad, just enough Red notices - And I’m buying you guys dinner now. No buts.

Henry groans – Are you guys gonna kiss? Tell me so I can cover my eyes.

Regina wants to let go then, but Red squeezes her hands and pulls her in a hug _again,_ winking at her as she moves in _–_ You’re damn right I am gonna kiss your awesome mom! – Regina fails to interpret the wink in the one second she is given to, so when Ruby plants a kiss by the side of her hair she sighs contentedly, taken by surprise, and then she plants another one, and another one, and another one. Covering her head in kisses until she _giggles._

She pats her arms playfully and Red takes a step back with the biggest grin she’d seen on her to date – Okay, now that _that_ didn’t just happen, dinner then?

The warm little feeling in Red’s chest grows as Regina fixes up her hair from the mess she made. She guesses she’s somewhat fucked, for some reason or another she can’t quite pinpoint. - Lead us to the best fries out here, Henry.

The kid falls right asleep as soon as the car starts going, his leather jacket cushioned against the backseat window and Regina’s coat covering him like a blanket; and a few miles later Regina herself starts blinking a bit too long on the passenger’s seat, one hand propped on the window frame and squished between her cheek and the glass in a way that will leave it numb as soon as she tries to move it. It isn’t even eight yet, but the Mayor is at her office at seven in the morning sharp, then she had to pick up Henry, feed him and wrangle him into getting ready to leave town, to chase him and Red around a mall for their benefit for hours. She dials down the radio for them to doze off peacefully and picks up the speed, so they can get to their beds, not that she wants the day to finish if she’s gonna be honest to herself.

She hums the tune to the song playing and wonders how it would feel to date Regina without the fake before the word. In three weeks of acting Red has managed to get hung up on her well-being, kinda grow as a person, get inspired to do better for herself and she has eaten at least two above-average home-cooked meals, all of that even when she had seen the wreckage Regina could be the harbinger of. Robin must have been in heaven for those months Regina was in love with him and wanted to mother Roland on top of everything. Snow had spent her entire adult life trying to get back on Regina’s good side regardless of any assassination attempts, and Emma had smelt like sheer self-loathing the night she made her somewhat sad after Regina spent the first year they knew each other trying to drive her out of town; even Granny respected her like she did only few and the woman had cursed them for three decades; and Red was only now seeing why. She too would bend backwards to be allowed access to this Regina: honest, fun, loving, only well-meaning-mean Regina.

She reaches out to flatten some hair strands that are trying to betray Regina in her moment of relaxation, to rob her of her impeccable look. She stirs in her seat, settling in better – I can’t nap if I’m not positive you have your eyes on the road

\- I just can’t believe The Evil Queen naps at all.

\- Of course I do. In between nefarious schemes.


	4. Chapter 4

Regina starts making sure she passes by Granny’s at least once every day, and Red makes sure she gets her free latte even if she no longer waits tables or makes coffee orders; in a way her new manager position makes it easier to enforce the free-latte policy. Granny grumbles that her dating the woman doesn’t entitle her to give away the business so she tallies up the cups of coffee and hands the money to her with a smile. Regina and her chat easily a few minutes then, audience or no audience when they’re in the diner, they text back and forth the rest of the day, sometimes they even call to explain the newest deceptions Snow needs to be told and well, the calls run a little bit longer than strictly necessary but if Regina watched a wolf documentary and wants to discuss Red _has_ to lock herself up in the bathroom and answer anything she needs to know. Everyone’s moved on to either happy for them or irrelevant enough their opinion doesn’t matter, and Emma will suspect them as long as they’re lying so it’s a matter of watching their words carefully around her and it’s done.

Snow has thrown herself in her covert anniversary planning regardless so she doesn’t have the time to engage too much in their relationship, and Regina gathers that if they break up shortly before the extravaganza she’ll be in too deep to even try to cheer them up with any inane speeches or to try and find them rebounds. They must modify their plans though, because any break up bad enough to force them to act resentful towards each other won’t do any more, she would like to keep the wolf around as much as she has been lately, she wants to at the very least stay friends after their terrible drifting apart. She ignores Snow prattling in front of her to look at the new manager of the diner, signing the delivery man’s electronic pad after checking the contents of some boxes

\- Is Red taller? I mean, do you think she seems taller? – The soles of her shoes are mostly flat, and she’s wearing a regular, tight pair of jeans that shouldn’t elongate her legs, the plaid shirt she’s recently recovered from her house wrapped perfectly around her torso, Regina notes.

Snow rolls her eyes at her, will she be ignored the rest of her life? This is a dire situation – It’s the full moon. – She whips out her phone to check the app and sure enough – It’s in two days, she gets more wolfy.

\- Excuse me, she gets more… wolfy? – Regina frowns, eyes still following Red as she signs some checks now, hands them out to the girls.

\- Yeah, you’ll see what I mean. Regina! – Snow snaps her fingers in front of her like she’s some kind of pet and she scoffs at her – Sorry but this is important! Should I get the blue dress or the green dress?

Regina mulls it over as Snow swipes back and forth in her phone showing her both options, they’re both equally stepford wife so honestly? Who knows? – Blue. – Comes from above her, Red standing by her side, Snow nodding and scooting over instinctively further into her side of the booth, because of course the woman picks a booth every time they must eat together. But Red doesn’t sit, looking at Regina – Will you move please? I want to sit next to you.

Regina obeys wordlessly and Red grins, sitting down and raising one hand so one of the waitress will come quickly, the girl appears in a second and they order, she scurries away effectively, not one pit stop before dropping the note off in the kitchen window and Regina, a master of body language herself, understands then. More wolfy means more dominant. She is not taller, she was just walking in a way that let the rest of the room know she is the one in charge, mother drilled that one into her. And she’d never had the privilege to be tall in addition to it. It looked delicious.

\- Snow you look stressed. I think you should dial it down, two days of celebration is more than enough. The third one is overkill and nothing good will come of you renting a boat and asking Hook to sail you into the sea, it’s ridiculous and there’s no one competent to help you when it backfires.

Regina’s megalomania is near extinct, a long time has passed since she let herself believe her mother’s lies about power being the only thing worthwhile. It only flares up when she sees a republican win an election and she knows she could wipe the floor with them, the sheer inaction drives her mad. But sitting there, as Snow nods and abandons a month worth of stupidity convinced solely by one statement she had already tried time and time again, Regina feels it again tickling at the edges of her consciousness. She could have conquered the entire Enchanted Forest with this woman by her side.

\- Will you guys help me with the other two days then?

Red loops an arm around Regina, squarely on her shoulders this time around - Of course we will, right babe? – She turns to grin at her, and Regina’s eyes can’t help but drift down to that smile

She does not look up, at all – Yes - because who would dare say no when they’re being looked at like that? Red’s smile subsides just enough she can lick her lips before turning away and Regina blindly reaches for her glass of water, parched. She misses Snow’s eye roll and the waitress sidling up to them with their food

She starts putting down plates - Princess Snow, BLT – she hums happily, some people never thought of her as their queen and that’s all right, really, they stayed loyal to Regina, no biggie. She thanks her and doesn’t even spare a look to her friends to see their reaction as she gazes lovingly at her meal – Boss lady, moving up in society. Steak. Rare to the point we were kinda grossed out serving it. – Red gives her an unamused stare and Regina moves for Snow’s glass of water, she’d drunk hers in one go. – Majesty, a lone serving of fries? – she had eaten before going there, the girl puts down the plate in front of her – want me to feed them to you?

Regina chuckles over the glass of water, because really? What else is she gonna do? – Bold as ever, Veronica. But your services are no longer wanted.

\- Ah, but they’re needed then – She lifts her eyebrows her way with a smile and Snow tears her eyes away from her sandwich, the fact that Red’s free hand is on the edge of the table with a white-knuckle grip is not good.

\- Can I get some coke too? We didn’t order drinks and all the water is gone – she eyes Regina who eyes her right back. So? She was thirsty, it is warm in there.

\- Think you can bring the drinks without the commentary? - Red unfolds her arm from around Regina and turns to look up to the girl

The waitress laughs – It’s just an inside joke Rubes, relax! – she crosses her arms now that they’re free and leans against the booth smirking, not the slightest intention to go get Snow some soda. It’s really the small things in life, like making Red as pressed as possibly close to wolf’s time. Last month it was two broken cups, she’s hoping to make it three this time.

\- How can I relax if my waitresses aren’t doing their jobs? Snow asked for a drink, get her one. – She stands then, towers over Veronica with ease and both Snow and Regina have to crane their necks up to watch them stare at each other

\- Did you get scarier? – she points to Red’s face with an amused expression – You are what you eat, am I right? – Regina wonders then how someone with such an unusual reaction to authority can have worked under Granny for three decades without getting fired

Red might just do it - Do you have a problem with that? Is that it? You’ve been waiting for the right time to confess your love and I got in the way? Because I sure hope you haven’t been making Regina uncomfortable with your shitty jokes since the curse broke.

\- This isn’t about me. – She chimes in from the depths of the booth – This is when you make her dust shelves and dismiss her. She’s just riling you up for her own enjoyment.

Veronica’s eyes darken, she must have thought Red wasn’t up to date to their arrangement, her gaze darts to Regina with a sneer and Red takes one deep breath and unclenches the fists she didn’t even know she was holding together. – Go get Snow her drink. – She backs down, finally, retreating to go get a bottle of coke and a glass with ice for the princess and Red exhales – Thank you Regina, I get a little antsy when the full moon is coming.

\- I don’t mind. – Snow rolls her eyes as Red smiles at Regina easily, and the woman puts a hand on her bicep to smile back, and pull her down into the seat. She digs into her lunch to avoid looking at that. It’s only a couple days, how annoying can they truly get?

Very annoying, Snow concludes an hour later. She grumbles as she drinks a cup of tea, forgotten in their booth. After lunch Red had stood up to deal with some paperwork that needed attending and off Regina had gone, to trail her. Well, she had been invited to the back office and really, who doesn’t want to go to the back office of Granny’s? It’s been there, off limits for three decades; but shouldn’t Regina play at least a little hard to get? No. She had stood right up and said she would be back, and Snow had been left alone with her tea and her meticulous planning agenda. And then they’d come out and spent _minutes_ by the bar with some binder, Red’s body molded around Regina’s while she stood in the front checking whatever their secret folders said and scribbling things down with a pencil while Red watched from behind, short of dropping her chin on the top of Regina’s head. What’s the point of all the writing? What can they be saying? There’s no monster attacking the town so what’s with the meeting? What dinner-related things can they even discuss? Red bends her neck to say something by Regina’s ear and she laughs, her left hand reaches back for Red’s bicep in an unnatural angle, and the wolf who straightens again, dropping her arm on the bar by Regina and trapping her there. Snow worries Regina will turn 20 degrees to her left and she’s gonna have to watch them kiss. What can she do if they kiss? She’ll just have to sit there, very uncomfortable and drink her tea… she’ll be traumatized, even more so than when she found Red in Regina’s pajamas in Mifflin. The thought distracts her enough that they disappear from under her careful surveillance.

Her tea is gone when Regina comes out of the door that tempts her daily, standing over her with a smile and her coat on – Red will be busy for a couple hours, should we continue this at the loft?

\- Are you sure you can? I mean, that’s a lot space between you two. Will you be able to cope, Regina?

\- That’s rich from the brat making me enchant – she takes the info sheet from her pocket and unfolds it – Thirty candles to float around her husband and her in the shape of a heart.


	5. Chapter 5

Snow’s comment sticks in Regina’s mind for the rest of the afternoon, even past dinner and after wrangling Henry to start getting ready to bed, it’s all she can think of as she drinks a glass of wine in her study. From the moment Regina went in the diner to the moment she left her attention had been on Red. Even if they weren’t actively close she was inconspicuously watching her from her seat or straining to hear what she was doing across the room. That kind of magnetism was hard to come by, she was not quite paying attention, but she couldn’t have been the only one trailing Red’s path around the place with ravenous hunger. And being aware of the sheer physical power that underlies the charisma didn’t help either, more than once Regina had wondered how a body so lithe could hold so much inside of it but the Red she saw today did not leave any room for doubt, There was an agile, strong and potentially deadly creature contained under the soft smile and the gray-green eyes that pretended to be with her today. And to make it even more alluring, it was all innate. Hours upon hours of conditioning and terrorizing had taught Regina to command a room, even Snow White could manage that to a lesser extent if she applied herself; and hours upon hours of reading and training had sharpened her into one of the best magic practitioners of the land, but still Red could crush her with her bare hands if she so chose before she could even think of a defense spell. No common human was match for any werewolf let alone one that conducted themselves as an alpha, Regina’s body knew so and today it had folded without her realizing, never had she followed someone so willingly.

The sound of Henry’s footsteps skipping steps in the stairwell drag her from her thoughts, and she downs her glass in one go before chastising him, but he’s well out of earshot when she does. Her eyes roll of their own volition as she walks out of the room and down the stairs, he’s nowhere to be found and the backdoor is open if the draft that reaches her is any indication. First, a fireball in her hand just in case he didn’t rush downstairs voluntarily as she thought; then, her phone in her other hand, ready to dial Emma Swan if she’s needed. She rushes out the door, in her socks even, to find Henry circling a wolf as tall as he is in its lowest point, with bright yellow eyes that bore into Regina’s when she appears wielding fire in front of her.

\- Mom, look! It’s Red. – How would he know? He’s never seen her transformed and even if he had, like Regina, how could he be sure? And he still ran head first towards it, her foolish boy.

\- Henry, don’t rush towards wild animals just because you think they’re friendly! – The wolf huffs by her son’s side and she takes a step forward, hand still alight and ready to attack – You don’t know that’s her.

\- It is! – With his cue, the wolf lowers her head in greeting and Regina relaxes, tucking both hands in the pockets of her cardigan. With the fire gone the wolf moves closer to the back door and Henry walks by her side, reaching out to touch her fur. His hand disappears under the thick hair – It’s warm.

\- We know it’s a her, don’t we? – The wolf makes a noise that sounds almost amused to Regina’s ears, and she smiles in return. Henry nods absentmindedly, petting her as one would a dog and before Regina can worry about offending Red she leans down in her haunches to let him. She chases him around the lawn for a while and he collapses spent, on the grass, nevermind his pajamas.

Regina leads him inside then, his cheeks red and his hair without structure as he skulks inside to get ready for bed again. The wolf trails behind him and Regina chuckles blocking her path, no dogs allowed inside, she wants to tell her but her head tilts to the right and the yellow eyes bore into hers with an unbearable intensity. This obviously is not a dog the rule will ever apply to. So, she moves and Red enters calmly, letting her shut the door behind them and silence envelop them.

She’s not quite sure what noise wolves make past blood-curdling growls, but the eerie silence Red trails her with seems like a trait her magical status is giving her. She’s there as Henry tucks himself in bed and Regina kisses him goodnight, laying her head by him and pressing her snout to his shoulder which makes him giggle and then she’s there when Regina goes back to her study, serving herself another glass of wine.

She settles in the leather couch and the wolf sits by her feet, her body big enough she can prop her head by her lap without craning any part of it. Regina holds her gaze for a minute, maybe two, but she loses as she sips her wine and chuckles – You are no ordinary animal, are you Miss Lucas? Do you understand us when we talk to you? – Most dogs do, she remembers, and she feels foolish to be comparing the magnificent creature before her to a house pet again, the wolf blinks slowly as her answer. It is a yes, clear as day to Regina and she hums – You can’t turn at will? So this becomes a more fluid conversation – The head turns back and forth on the couch and it crinkles under the weight, and Regina understands there’s nuance to that negative – Very well then, I’ll monologue until you choose to go.

It is meant as a joke, but she’s drinking her wine in silence for a few minutes only, feeling Red’s warm breath on her leg and watching her fur shine as it reflects her warm lights, when she starts talking again. She tells Red about the first time she’d seen her, word about Snow’s whereabouts had reached the castle and she was hoping to see Graham and Snow White out in the forest again but when she had gotten there with a few guards on tow, instead of her targets there Red was, rivaling some of her horses in size and spooking them into almost throwing their jockeys. She had escaped with barely her life that night and one her men hadn’t. She knew immediately that it couldn’t be an ordinary wolf and further research had given her many options to rid herself of Snow’s only fearsome soldier, but she had paused about killing something so… awesome, so wild, something she _respected_ , after what she had done to that horse when Rumpelstilskin coerced her to. She had built herself and her closer guard armors with woven silver, but nothing else. 

The wolf stands to full height before, eyes on the same level as Regina’s and it leaps onto her couch swiftly, she gives Regina another slow blink accompanied with a nod and she sits, presses her head to the woman’s, before adjusting herself in a way she can lay it down on her lap with her eyes closed. Regina laughs above her, and she takes a hand to the brown fur between the wolf’s ears. She notices the tail, swinging like a pendulum and sweeping the floor every time and she rubs enthusiastically – And all that to find out now that you’re indeed just an overgrown puppy. – Sharp teeth sink into her thick cardigan on the arm she had dangling on her lap and she tugs it back with a hiss – Stop that or you’ll have a werewolf-witch in your hands. I’d be president within the week.

Next morning Henry snaps a picture when he finds them asleep on the couch, for them to have it but also for Emma to see how big a werewolf is, Red can cover his mom like a fluffy blanket and still have one of her front legs dangling off one side of the couch. He also wakes them up, so someone can make him breakfast.

Red turns back to her human body in the comfort of her own bathroom, only half an hour shy of having to go down to Granny’s, off to manage another day. She takes one quick shower and dresses in a rush, breakfast for her after a night out as the wolf is the breakfast of champions, maybe boxing champions, in the highest weight category, if they wanted to get fat enough for sumo. And she’s halfway through a sausage pack when Granny finds her frying and takes a whiff at her – You _doused_ yourself in that cheap shampoo. Something in the woods you want to hide, girl? – She laughs and moves around her to see what she’s doing

\- I slept in Regina’s house. – Whatever Granny might make of that, she doesn’t really care. Perks of that town slut status, anything she does is just common Ruby behavior, and no one will question it too much.

But her grandmother pauses instead – Wolf dragged you there already? That girl needs to show her face around here sometime soon, whatever happened to meeting the family and asking for permission?

\- You know Regina already. – And permission for what? To date her? Please.

\- I sure don’t. You telling me she’s the same woman that kept trying to kill us all back in the forest? If she is then I’m worried about this whole thing

Her sausages are starting to burn and her ten minutes for breakfast have officially started so she just decides to stop fighting the whole thing – Uh, sure I’ll tell her and we’ll set something up, don’t worry. That’s def happening Granny.

They don’t make it happen, Red doesn’t as much as mention it to Regina. What she does do is come back that night, and the night after and the night after. Sleeping outside of Regina’s bedroom curled into a ball, the Queen offers to let her in, it looks a bit ridiculous probably but she’s fine right there on the hallway lulling herself to sleep with the sound of Regina turning pages on her book. And it does strike her as odd, that she’s managed a full moon cycle without running herself ragged and collapsing on her favorite spot on the woods that circle Storybrooke against the shore, but when she wakes in the morning and catches Regina in her pajamas trying to skip over her to not disturb her, it looks like a fine bargain.

She’d explained over text to Regina how her entire situation works. First she can turn at night the entire month if she wishes to but it’s not really a necessity so she mostly doesn’t, but close to the full moon the wolf wants to come out and denying it it’s almost cruel so she does, she has control over it and she is 99.9% sure she won’t maul anyone accidentally ever again but once it’s out she can’t turn human again until the sun is up and when she does she’ll be pretty naked so she waits until she’s home to do it. If they drape the cape over her it’ll make her turn anytime but since she has control is not necessary and the closet holds it just fine these days. Plus, she does understand what humans tell her and she remembers what she does while she’s the wolf. It roams free and operates on instinct but it’s her instinct still.

So, when Regina lays an outfit by her head and makes sure to usher Henry downstairs she grudgingly changes and sneaks into the bathroom to put on the clothes. The sweatpants are too short again and the T-shirt is likely the most expensive thing her body has touched, the lack of underwear gives her pause so she throws the sweatshirt to the college Regina never attended on top too, her wrists exposed and the hem in her waist and riding up a bit. She chuckles at herself in the mirror and goes down to find a breakfast display that rivals her own when she makes it at home.

Henry guzzling down pancakes at the speed of light pauses to grin at her – I ate all the pancakes – she sees the plate where they were next to him and why did he even bother to switch them to his own? What an interesting kid.

Regina butters her one toast with a smile – I raised him to be mindful of guests, but he’s inherited his hunger from Emma Swan. – Red chuckles reaching for toast and Regina relaxes, seeing she’s okay with her lack of pancakes – I’m sorry for the clothes.

\- Don’t apologize for being a small, adorable thingy. – Henry giggles in his seat over his pancakes and Red lifts her arms up so the sweatshirt will ride up to her ribs making him laugh even more

\- You’re calling the Evil Queen adorable? A pioneer. – She takes one dainty bite out of her toast, all the crumbs falling squarely on her plate and she proceeds to eat some of her scrambled eggs with a small smile towards her and yeah, she’s really a small, adorable thingy. Especially late at night when Red has been showing up and early in the morning like now that they’re having breakfast and she’s still in her socks. Late mornings and afternoons she’s a class A scary bitch, because of the pointy heels mostly.

Henry ignores all that to top up his remaining pancakes with syrup – Red are you staying with my mom today and tomorrow? I am going to Emma’s. You can sleep on the hallway another night.

Another night. She really had been doing that for three nights already. The minute the kid disappears she’s gonna have to explain that – I’ll keep her company for sure. Managers don’t _have_ to come in on weekends, we can just pass by. – She winks Regina’s way and he inhales his breakfast then, eager to get out now that he can go guilt free. Only when he’s out of the kitchen and up in his room does Red take a seat and serve herself a massive plate. It’s incredible the amount of food Regina lays out for three people but she’s grateful for it, since it seems between Henry and her they can power through.

Regina raises an eyebrow as she takes the fourth bacon strip, making it four out of four for her – I gathered the transformation spent some of your energy and you had to load up but this… is beyond what I’ve seen any of the three charmings eat.

Red chuckles – It’s only the mornings after, I swear. The breakfast of shame.

\- Speaking of, your devious plan worked – Red stops eating to tilt her head to the side and Regina smiles seeing just now the resemblance to the watchdog that’s been posted on her door for the last couple of days – I mean, Henry. He’s been tattling about your late-night visits. There’s a picture on the family group chat.

Red takes the phone from the table where Regina slid it to see the Charming-Swan-Mills family group chat where Emma Swan had dared send the picture of the huge brown wolf dozing on top of a barely visible -thank god- Regina. Only a foot betrayed her position from the angle with which Henry took the _first_ picture. She laughs, forwarding it to herself as she does – I am so sorry I almost smothered you in your sleep, oh my god. – Regina says it’s no problem as she munches on her meal and the silence stretches on a while after that, something doesn’t sit okay with Red though and it takes her three pieces of toast to know what, even if she’s being let off scotch free on the whole hallway thing she can’t stand how Regina is interpreting it. She crushes the last one in her mouth as fast as she can and swallows without washing it down – I wasn’t coming here for anyone to talk about it. I was in the woods and then I just wanted to come by, and then it just kept happening. Plus, I had to check you were alive since you were avoiding me, anyone could’ve been texting me with your phone, obviously.

\- I was hardly avoiding you. – Truth is she had been avoiding her, lest she went into the dinner to find she had gotten _more_ _wolfy_ as the full moon loomed in the sky and she had to drink every glass of water in the precinct to keep her body temperature in check. – We’re modifying budgets and Emma wants a new cruiser, so she’s been buying me lunch and helping, to sway me.

\- Should I be jealous? - The delivery is much too dry and she cringes, inwardly. The full moon passed and the vestiges of the confidence she feels those days rear themselves up when regular Red least expects them to.

Regina’s hand stills the mug she’s lifting to her mouth mid-trajectory and her lips part for a second before she recovers – As in… should you act jealous… or? I don’t think it’s necessary, she’ll see right through you if you don’t tread lightly on the side of half-truths.

\- Right. – Because she has no reason to be half jealous of Regina disappearing for three days because Emma is trapping her at her office.

\- When she comes in the diner you can tell her that her car is just fine, and she won’t be getting a new one. – She stands with her dishes and smiles – Just in case she was going to turn up here today with lunch too, Henry in tow with a rehearsed song or something of the like.

She should really break it to Regina that she won’t be going to work that day, since she’ll be honoring her promise to Henry to keep her company. Or maybe they can make it work. – What if you tell her yourself while I check on those fruit orders and then we can honor the kid’s wishes?

\- Sleep in the hallway?

\- Ha ha ha. You’re fucking hilarious.


	6. Chapter 6

Regina hums behind Red as she turns the hidden key in the lock the three times necessary – This has truly been a beneficial agreement. First the office in Granny’s and now the famed house beneath the B&B, each place more tantalizing than the last.

She chuckles – You only want me for my keychain. – it jingles as she pulls it out of the lock and opens the door, walking inside and moving to the side so Regina can follow

\- You have excellent hair as well – Red chews that over as she takes a short shower, conditioning it just a bit more than usual.

It’s only a few minutes but when she comes out of her bathroom dressed and passing a brush through her hair she finds Regina halfway through a book, almost laying down on her bed. Maybe she should get a chair in there for any future visitors; or maybe she shouldn’t. She had managed to convince her to dress for an active day. Had she lied to see what Regina would come up with? Yes, was she disappointed at the sneakers, light sweatpants and tight nike shirt? No. Still, her lie is busted now that she leans against the dresser in jeans and a sweater, socks on and brush passing through her hair

\- Do you want to fire up Netflix while I go sort stuff out or are you brave enough to come with me in your exercise gear.

It’s only then that she looks up from the page, for one long second she eyes her up and down – I loathe you.

\- I just wanted you to be comfortable, it’s Saturday! You didn’t need all the scary bitch clothes to come to the diner. – She moves closer and drops the brush by the other hair things in the general hair and make-up area, Regina raises an eyebrow and she shrugs, she’ll deal with that soon. – I’ll put on sweatpants and we’ll match?

They match, only Red can tell because Regina decides she’ll just poof into Granny’s office, but they are matching when she makes it through the dinner and unlocks the door to see Regina reading the book on the couch off to the wall. She drops herself across from her in the other corner of the couch and drags a box of receipts she has to go through with her.

It’s only a few minutes before she kicks out her shoes and puts her legs up on the couch, feet poking Regina’s leg. The mayor doesn’t let her eyes wander – Stop that

\- What? this? – Poke – I can’t help it – Poke – I’m just so freakishly tall – Poke - Regina slams the book close as Red laughs at her indignant expression, box shaking in her arms with her mirth. She thinks of apologizing for a minute, but Regina reaches for her feet and pulls them onto her lap so she’s more comfortable – Oh, thanks. – It’s all she can manage. Regina hadn’t even turned to look at her, and the entire week has been puzzling enough she’ll be going through a play by play in her mind for a month.

Red starts digging through the box with a smile and Regina gets more comfortable on her side of the couch - Anything to get through the book.

She tries, _so_ hard, to concentrate on what she’s doing but something around three hours go by and she’s barely made a dent in the pile of receipts. She grabs one and reads it without one single word registering through, and rinse and repeat; all her brain power seems to have diverted to maximizing the feeling of Regina’s hand just resting on her calf. Why does she feel so warm about that? She’s just sitting there reading, her hand has nowhere else to go. Red knows that but still, the spot under it tingles and she’s hyper aware of that, of being still enough Regina stays comfortable, of not being too still she’s dead weight, of her breathing and whether it sounds strange…

She takes a third look at the piece of paper in her hands and the whole thing blurs together as Regina slides her hand a bit lower as she adjusts herself. Before she can have some sort of panic attack her phone chimes with a text, it makes her jump anyways and Regina turns away from her book – Well you’re skittish.

The screen informs her they’ve only been there for an hour – Do you want lunch? I want lunch.

She chuckles and pats her leg - It’s a bit early, don’t you think?

\- I smell Emma and Henry – She really does, and that draws Regina out of her book

\- Surely here for a reprisal of breakfast, not lunch.

\- C’mon, we’ll beat the rush! – She stands swiftly, giving no time to the will to cozy even further in the seat – I’ll make it myself, your usual? – She turns back from the door to see Regina closing her book, puzzled.

Red all but runs out of the room, the entire diner a blur as she goes straight for the kitchen to whip up some food and get some distance. Granny looks at her and adjusts her glasses with a frown – What are you all jittery about?

\- Huh? – She tries to make herself busy but, like when she attempted to read, the ghost of Regina’s hand on her leg doesn’t let her. She barely recalls where everything is, it’s been awhile since she had a shift in the kitchen. She rummages almost desperately in the vegetables – Nothing.

Granny marches over to her – Girl, don’t lie to me, and don’t think I missed the mayor popping in here without opening any doors. Why are you sneaking her in?

\- I’m not! She came in sweatpants, so she didn’t want anyone to see her! – She’s one octave short of shrieking and Granny presses her body into hers with her eyes turned into slits – You can go say hi, I swear. She’s in the back office.

\- Don’t let people in there, child. Only her.

\- Only her- Red nods under her grandmother’s stern gaze - And we break up and she’s never allowed in there ever again, got it.

\- Break up – she snorts and pushes her out of the way with her hips – What? Are you making her lunch? I don’t pay you to come in here and cook, go do your job- She starts mumbling under her breath, as she does - Got rid of you, finally, and here you come in again. – Red blinks to the side for a second and Granny flicks her rag at her – I’ll send a waitress when the food is done, leave.

She calms herself before going out there, taking deep breaths as she crosses the door on her way back, she’s ready to go sit on her desk and get some work done where no one is touching her affection-starved legs. But on the way out she spots what her nose had already told her, Henry and Emma sitting at the bar and toying with menus while Regina stands between their two stools, workout gear on display for anyone who wants to see. There’s a few watching interested, as the mayor wears something other than designer clothing in public and Red catches Henry making a remark as well, Emma laughs at his joke and Regina laughs too, and fixes Henry’s hair in the same action and they go on, like nothing of substance happened.

It occurs to her that if there’s someone Regina should date, it’s Emma. For Henry to be able to joke around with his two moms like that all the time. Emma Swan and her wardrobe can’t possibly be straight. It’s a nice idea, right? But it doesn’t sit well with her for some reason, maybe it’s because it would be closing the circle even more… maybe she’s just kinda afraid that if Regina and Emma get together then that’s it, there’s no reason for any of them to keep her around, they’d become a self-sufficient family and friends unit and Belle is immersed in dealing with Gold’s shit these days so she’d be out there trying to find new friends from scratch, and just after she’s made such a good one like Regina. It’d be a shame. 

She mulls all that over leaning against one of the stools and in her inner turmoil she misses when Regina leaves her family to come over to her side and sit on the stool next to hers with the book still firmly in one hand, finger holding the page – So, where’s my lunch?

\- Oh! – She jumps as she looks up, jittery. – Granny’s making it. Apparently, I’m no longer welcome in her kitchen.

\- Well, we’ll always have that midnight pie – She winks Red’s way and the smile she gives her reaches all the way up to her eyes – Fascinating read I found tossed between your baseball gear?

\- Oh, Ruby used to play _soft_ ball in high school, sometimes I go out and bat at the park on Sundays. – Regina nods at that and she reaches for the book, to dog ear the page and release the finger from its duty – You can have it, Ruby did not use to read the books in high school. There were a lot lying around but Belle took most of them.

\- And Red doesn’t want to read it either?

\- Y’know, pre-curse Red didn’t even know how to read, so thanks Regina again! - She makes a show of mulling it over – Maybe post-curse Red does want to be a reader, tell me about it.

Regina starts her tale by contextualizing that she already knew about the author and had read some of his work, it’s what drew her to picking it up in the first place. As she starts about the story of the book up to where she was Red’s mind wanders yet _again._ It’s not even a big thing, it’s just that when she’s sitting properly on the stool Regina’s foot is just shy of the floor on the flat sneakers she’s wearing, so she’s just dangling her feet slowly as she goes on and on about the characters and it’s so honest to god nice to see her relax into her explanation enough that her feet can swing that Red’s focus is on that. Even as she finishes and prods her about it

\- I uh… think you’re a nerd. Who knew?

She laughs and moves forward just enough that she can reach the floor to make the stool turn - And what? You’re a shallow jock?

Red smiles at the entire situation - We’re a romantic comedy waiting to happen then.

As he leaves Henry makes sure to remind her to _really_ keep Regina company because he will be with Emma for another one and a half day and his mom was always a bit sad on Sunday night when he gets home and he’s sure it’s because of that. She’s half engaged in that conversation and half engaged in straining to hear whatever Granny is telling Regina in hushed tones and under the noise of the other costumers, so he just nods yes to everything Henry is saying and glances over his head to where Regina is leaning away from the bar to escape Granny’s dubious look.

The old woman barely lets her finish her meal – Mills, what are your intentions with Red?

\- Oh, well we’re just – she hesitates for a moment, glancing over to her being held hostage by a chattering Henry – We’re just seeing where this takes us. I assure you, it is nothing serious enough to warrant this. – Maybe Red will tell her grandmother it’s all a lie as soon as their arrangement is no longer necessary, and this will be a fond memory

\- Maybe to you. I know my girl, she’s hung up on you

Regina leans back, confused as to where this is coming from but very curious – You believe she cares for me… more than she’s cared about… others?

Granny frowns, her expression is too hard for a woman with an apron with hearts stitched on it – Look. I don’t understand you two. But if you break her heart, you better not show your face around here ever again. Got it?

\- Of course, Eugenia. – She gives her a nod loaded with a smirk and Granny huffs at her, yanking the plate from under her utensils without any ceremony and retreating into the kitchen. They’ll have to break up in the friendliest split on the history of broken relationships in order to maintain the friendship and Regina’s access to pasta carbonara on Wednesdays.

Somehow, she had managed to convince Regina to stay with her for the rest of the day, for Henry’s sake of course. And since neither had had any concrete plans or the energy to make some, Netflix was the chosen form of entertainment. Regina’s only condition was no Snow White adaptations and after mocking her for it Red agreed and banned anything with werewolves as well. She had every intention of actually watching the films so she wanted to drag one of the recliners from the living room into her bedroom so there were two, separate pieces of furniture Regina could choose from; but the mayor had taken one long, long look of her lifting the chair and then told her she didn’t mind if they shared the bed. So, with no excuse, she had to give in.

Which brought them there, inane drama movie playing and Red laying on the right side of the bed, arms crossed so she’ll be keeping them to herself and one foot jiggling; while Regina lays down on the other side of the popcorn bowl seemingly enjoying the flick. It’s not that she doesn’t like the movie, it’s that even when there’s no contact she’s completely aware of every inch of Regina and where it is relative to her own body. Because well, she’s not like _stupid_ stupid, Regina checks her out every once in a while, everyone kinda does so she’s used to it, but still. And if someone has the balls of steel and absolute unwavering confidence to try something, it’s gonna be Regina, and then what? What’s she gonna do? Tell her new friend that they can’t? And like, hurt her feelings? It’d be a horribly awkward thing. She almost died when Regina put her hand on her calf earlier, anything more would make her burst into flames, because it’s so awkward.

And she absolutely needs this to be zero percent awkward because Regina’s pretty great. She’s only ever been good friends with Snow, Belle and now, Regina. Snow has always been someone to look up to in a way, a friend that’s just overall better than her and who things go right for all the time, even if her life is in mortal danger; she’s her best friend but Red guesses that was more out of the dire circumstances that pushed them together at that time than who they are because it’s just a steady affection, one day she looked back and thought how Snow had been a fixture for long enough she no longer questioned her presence And then, Belle had been…out of nowhere, they’d connected very quickly and very deeply until life had gotten in their way, she was getting old for besties anyways so whatever sleepover they were meant to have had never happened and Red hadn’t pushed after they drifted apart. And now The Evil Queen is laying down in her bed wearing comfortable clothing with her hair pinned high above her head on the pillow so it won’t tickle her neck or something.

The movie tapers out and Regina stretches by her side, sitting up with a hum of pleasure that makes Red’s feet jiggle faster. The Mayor turns back to look at her while she passes her hand through her hair to fix it – We need to end this relationship.

\- No. – She’d barely processed the sentence in her haste to see if the hair would go back to its place, she shakes her head a bit – I mean what? Why? Already?

Regina chuckles – Are you all right? If I knew you were this easy to distract I would’ve won that war.

\- Maybe I’m thinking about the movie

\- You’ve spent too long being leered at and not enough doing the leering – Regina smirks at her and it is kinda making her angry, or something – A lesson on subtlety is needed.

She huffs for one second – We’re breaking up because you’re a jerk then. Got it.

\- I can be the bad guy - The smirk stays put – But let’s keep it moderate. Your grandmother has threatened to stop letting me in the diner if I break your heart and Henry’s getting too attached to the idea of you being around. He asks if you’re coming every night.

\- I am not. That’s going to be the official reason we break up. Anyone asks, I wasn’t coming at all.

\- Absolutely not. I have a reputation to maintain. – She winks and moves over her to get off the bed to take her phone from the nightstand – Could I have forgotten your birthday? When was that?

She blinks away the strange sensation having Regina looming over her for a split second caused- Three days ago.

\- Oh, Red – her entire expression softens - why didn’t you say so?

\- I’m just fucking with you Regina – She laughs as she sits up again – You wanna break up? Easy. Tonight at 2 am I leave Snow a sad voicemail sounding drunk, I’ll just say we were too different and that I’ll never date again so she’ll lay off my case for like three months at least. She’ll try to get in touch with you tomorrow, you gotta be usual abrasive Regina so she’ll see you’re hurt hurt, that way she lays off your case too.

\- Should I not be sad? Why abrasive? – Red lifts an eyebrow at her and she sighs – Fine. Then what? We’re helping her with this anniversary, we’re to be seen together soon.

\- Just don’t talk to me. She’ll take a hint.

\- Yes that’s well and all but I would like it if we can remain friends. Not speaking to each other won’t do.

Red exhales softly – You want to be friends with me? – It was a sigh of relief honestly.


	7. Chapter 7

And so it begins, Snow does indeed show up next morning to her doorstep and Regina has the mind to answer in her sharpest tone wearing her sharpest heels that she will be just fine without her fussing and send her on her way with a controlled slam of the door, before summoning a comfortable outfit to continue watching the movie franchise Red and her had watched the day before. Henry worries about her, she doesn’t understand why because she is perfectly fine and functioning at 100% capacity, but she catches him eyeing her a lot of times in the following weeks and he refuses to go to Emma’s house the week-end after the fated break up, to not leave her alone Regina supposes. Which is a shame because had he not been there Red could have come over to shop online and spend some time with her like she wanted and they were forced to do it over text to keep up the ruse.

See, they did keep in touch. Regina has barely been to Granny’s in two weeks and they’ve been scheduling their time with Snow apart, but the woods are safe ground for a jog or two, and Regina’s house as long as Henry is not there, out of town where the movie theaters are, the far end of the beach too, it’s good to talk about you know, the balancing of budgets and managing of diners and whatnot. So they’ve kept in touch through text, calls and a few secret rendezvous. Nothing scandalous about that. At least until they can ease their friendship past Snow’s rightful indignation in both of their behalf and Emma’s reasonable doubt.

So, it’s really a shame when the sherriff in question snatches Red’s phone out of her free hand after she laughs at a text and the balloon she was inflating flies across the room. She manages to tap the screen right before it shuts back off – You’re moved on already? Harsh. You know Regina is higher up in the hierarchy, I might have to cut you off. – Red’s heart hammers in her chest as the blonde lifts the phone up – Regina’s texting you? – The phone dings again – Image attachment?!

\- We keep in touch! – She shoots up to reclaim her phone – It’s not like it was nuclear defcon fuck. We can be friends.

She laughs - Wow. Welcome to the gay experience. I give you one week before you fall right back in.

\- The gay experience?

\- Yeah you know, you break up but she’s still a great person and you think you can be friends and then you hang out once and there you are, wondering why you even broke up since she’s so fun to be around. Rinse and repeat for three months, maybe you get married maybe she fucked your ex in one of the off periods, or worse, one of the _on_ periods, and someone almost dies. That kind of thing - Emma shrugs as she starts on tying up a few balloons together – Long as the kid is okay, I’ll allow it.

\- Damn. – Well now Red’s just plain curious - What else is the gay experience?

\- Shit I don’t know- She drifts off, focusing on the knot before her - Oh! You ever get a friend that you were very comfortable with and then she touched one inch of your skin and it made you unable to function for the rest of the day? That’s that… oh what about when your friend that you make sure to always keep around gives you one small chuckle once and your entire life’s mission becomes making her laugh? Oh have you ever just read one text thirty-five times? Like you just re read the text while you wait for her to reply, just so happy to see the conversation in your screen, scrolling back up to read a chunk from before.

\- But that’s just being good friends with people!- she stops. maybe not men - Girls. Women.

\- Yeah, you’d think that before you realize. Mull that over and lemme know if you’re deeply in love with my mom… - Emma snorts at her and the balloons come apart on her hands so she dumps herself on the couch by Red’s side - Maybe I can manage to get Regina to do Belle, now that’s gonna bring in some chaos. You vs Gold vs Regina, death match.

\- I didn’t- Belle- I didn’t do Belle!

\- Then imagine the anger when Regina does.

The entire conversation haunts her that night. Does she have a real crush on Regina? Can she have a crush on Regina? Is she not straight? How on earth should she fucking know? Should she ask Regina? That would be way too fucking much no? But she can’t ask Emma or she’ll know they were lying, she can’t ask Snow because Snow doesn’t know anything about anything besides love at first sight and archery, and she can’t ask Belle because they don’t speak anymore… Did she have a crush on Belle? Next morning, still confused about these and many other instances of her life she drags her feet getting ready for work and sadly misses Regina in one of her now scarce coffee runs through Granny’s.

She’s there for her coffee and nothing else but Veronica tuts before she can grab the cup and holds it back – Word on the street is you’re no longer on speaking terms with the boss, so it’s 4 bucks. Welcome back to earth.

Regina huffs, of course this is going to happen – Is she here? She’ll be happy to tell you our deal stands regardless. – Still she starts rummaging in her purse for her wallet after the waitress shakes her head, loving making her late probably

She hums - Really? – The register pings as it opens – You must have been fucking her senseless. – She leans forward over the bar with a smirk

Regina laughs as she keeps digging, always fun to interact with the other five people in the town that don’t conduct themselves like Disney characters – I bet you’d love to know if I’ve picked up new tricks along the way – She finally makes contact with a bill and pulls it out, winking at her as she holds it out

\- I would. – She snatches it out of her hands but holds her coffee hostage- Tonight? – Regina raises an eyebrow – What can I say? You don’t miss a toy until you see someone else playing with it.

She chuckles, finally grabbing her cup – You believe that after equating me to a toy I’ll agree?

She rings up the coffee cup and makes a show of checking if the $20 bill is real or not – It’s better when you hate me _just_ a little more. You know I like to be roughed up.

\- Always so bold. – She rejects the change and steps away – Ask Red about the coffee, dear.

She blows her a kiss regardless as she pockets the $16 with a smirk - I get off at 5, Majesty. Let me know where you want me.

She whirls around – If.

\- Let's settle on when then.

She’s five minutes into her walk when she starts seriously considering it, what’s the harm? It’s an already vetted option, completely strings-free, and she needs _something_ after the weeks of torture she’s put herself through with Red. Which, would she be okay with that? They were never together and Regina knows there’s no jealousy involved but still, Veronica would not miss the opportunity to taunt her and it might hurt her pride to have the world’s most annoying employee thinking she could seduce her ex a few weeks after the relationship ended. She’ll think about it later. Her phone pings with a text and she gears herself to answer the wolf but it’s merely Emma asking about her enchantments for Snow, it makes it around 12 hours since they last spoke for some reason. It’s a bit of a reprieve if a disappointing one, her attraction to Red had been there when they were spending time together but now that most of the communication was through text and calls she was being forced to acknowledge it was beyond physical so, worse.


	8. Chapter 8

The entire day goes by and no response arrives, the lack of a text worsened by the thirty-five texts Snow sends while she’s at work knowing that she will be there when her day ends. It’s day zero of the extravaganza so Emma and her need to tighten the bolts is a hundred little things apparently.

They are doing that when Snow flutters by with her hair and make up half done, glaring at her like she _never_ has – You need to do this, quick. – She’s pointing at every single mess above her neck

Regina drags the bent and over-bent sheet of paper from her purse with a frown – I am not the stylist. This was not in my list. - Emma’s head swerves to her and she shrugs

\- It’s on Red’s list. – Snow’s head tilts to the side and Regina laughs

\- Are you implying she didn’t come do your hair because of my presence? That’s ludicrous, I assure you. – There’s no reason for Red to avoid her, they’re friends for Christ’s sake. Maybe they should be worried.

Emma stops her decorating for a second -Yeah… I don’t know. Seeing your ex you’re still talking to will fuck you up, so cut the bullshit.

Snow’s anger reaches her childish behavior level and she dumps herself on a chair, arms crossed and glare firmly in place still – What did you do to her? And why won’t you leave her alone?

\- Nothing! – She looks between them and drops her own props – I swear. We are on good terms, we’re friends – She waits for them to say anything but the silence wraps around them in a way she doesn’t like - So you want me to do your make-up then? I can do that – Regina says

\- I can’t. – Emma replies. And goes back to pinning things on the wall while David is on shift.

\- I want you to fix this whole thing. – She harrumphs – We were okay! Finally! And you two had to screw it up. Now what? We don’t ever see each other at the same time? We don’t eat at Granny’s if you’re going? She can’t come to stuff that we plan at your house? – Regina stutters and Snow goes back to talking right over her – Don’t touch me, go fix that. Do you still love her?

\- Love is… too much, Snow – She presses her fingers to her shoulder apologetically - Maybe I do, like one does any other friend.

Emma pipes up from the wall - Lying.

\- I am not.

She mulls that one over - Hmmm, maybe you don’t think you’re lying. But anyways, she still gets all giggly when you text so... She’s definitely not over you.

\- You two are meddling. When will you learn?

\- You owe me this, Regina.

She tries texting but like the ones from the day before no answer comes, so she moves on to calling, a few times in fact before facing the fact that Red was hanging up on her, for whatever reason, phone charged enough to ring and yet, voicemail after one or two rings. Why is she even indulging Snow White with this? After being dismissed she could simply go home but a part of her is enraged, they’d been gearing to that day for how long now? And she could barely see the finished product because of whatever Red had told Snow and Emma was happening between them? Of course they’d both think it was her who was causing Red to act up. And to add insult to injury now she was ignoring her?

By the time she walks into Granny’s she’s well past the “Let’s laugh about this” phase. She marches across the room without once looking at the patrons gawking at her sudden presence in the room and unlocks the door with magic, it swings forward with another spell and slams behind her with a thud that leaves the crowd staring for a minute, waiting for the screams to come.

Inside Regina takes only one second to look around before approaching the desk, where Red sits nursing a glass of some amber-colored alcoholic beverage that must not be meant to be drunk in such large quantities per glass. Regina frowns at her – This is what you’re doing? Snow is losing her mind because you didn’t show up tonight and your big emergency is getting drunk in your office?

She takes another controlled sip of her glass and breathes out – Did you break up with me because you wanted to fuck Veronica?

\- Excuse me?

\- It’s a yes or no question, Regina. – Without any need to she drags a bottle up from the floor to top off her glass

\- One that I don’t see why you’d ask.

She moves forward to snatch the bottle back and Red stops her hand in the air, grip a bit too tight. She lets her go and rotates the monitor of the computer towards her, security footage playing once, twice, before she responds – Yes or no.

\- That is how she acts all the time – She laughs drily – And frankly, it’s none of your business.

\- Yes! But today, you were flirting right back. – she points at the moment Regina winks in the loop - And that bitch made it my business when she decided to start talking shit as soon as I walked through the door – She stands and anyone reeking of alcohol as she does should not be able to do it so swiftly, she stumbles a little rounding the desk to reach her- You know, we didn’t have to break up if you wanted to screw her.

\- Yes. Because we were never together in the first place. – She resists the urge to back away as Red comes closer, holds her ground and cranes her neck back to stare up at her as she continues to approach – So surely, you see how stupid this is, whatever it is

\- It’s that I’m jealous. – She reaches back for the bottle with three, maybe four fingers left and holds it up – Took me a good hour after she told me you came by, which I knew already because you leave an intoxicating scent anywhere you go, but I realized I’m jealous. Then I checked the footage, then I realized Emma was right, and then I started drinking. What did you do today?

Of course she’s jealous, Veronica must have implied they were either sleeping together already and she hadn’t told Red, or that they were going to and she wasn’t going to be informed if Regina had a say, so she was breaking it to her as a courtesy. Regina sighs, her anger leaving her and her tone softening her words - I learned you’re irresponsible and fickle. – She steps back and takes the bottle off Red’s hands. Moving to the desk to get a hold of the glass as well – You’re going to sober up and show up for the brat you have for a best friend in the hour we have before her dolt of a husband comes home. And you will reassure her and Emma Swan that whatever crisis you underwent today was not my doing. Start acting like the Red we know.

\- And love?

\- What? - Regina turns around and there she is, unnaturally closer

\- When people say that they say: the whatever we know and love. And you didn’t ask what Emma was right about. You’re always making shit so hard.

She sighs, Emma was sure that seeing her would “fuck Red up” so what had she told Red? To cease contact? Was that why she had stopped answering her texts and calls? She braces herself for whatever friendship they had left to have been dismantled by Emma and Veronica and their sabotage in less than 24 hours and stands her ground – What was Emma right about?

In one second she closes in, and her arms reach out to lock onto both sides of Regina’s waist, Regina tilts her chin up to be able to see her better – I’m not straight. – She pulls Regina to herself and kisses her, still for a few seconds before she gains confidence and lifts her up onto the desk. She takes one last step forward and Regina has no option than to open her legs to accommodate her, one arm shooting behind herself for support when the wolf pushes her upper body forward.

When they part one second for air and Regina shoves a hand to Red’s chest to keep her back, she tries to look up, away from the lips in front of her and to Red’s eyes to see what the hell is going on but the pull of the grin in front of her is too much. The wolf licks her lips and Regina breaks, pulling her down and crashing their lips together. The bottle tilts behind them and rolls to the floor, clanking and bringing Regina down from the high they’re in so she can push Red off her - You’re drunk.

\- I want to be with you, Regina. Drunk or not. - It is tempting, but to take advantage of Red’s poor grasp on herself and ruin the friendship they have… Regina can pass. She doesn’t want to, but she can. Red leans right back in – And I’ve seen the way you look at me - She plants a kiss in the corner of Regina’s mouth at a pace so tortuously slow that the woman huffs but plants her hand over Red’s breastbone to hold her back. She can feel the wolf’s smirk forming before she separates herself, giving Regina the space she needs and nodding as self-assured as her drunkenness allows her– Then let me take you on a date, tomorrow, fully sober.

\- You only think you want me because we’ve recently spent some time together and someone else was laying claim over me. You’re territorial, is all. Maybe the full moon is coming, or something. - She takes her chance to tangle her fingers in Red’s hair if only to move it from the wolf’s face and mouth, it’ll probably be the last chance she gets. She chuckles – Red, do you really believe you could be falling in love with me? -

It’s the incredulous tone that does it - Regina we just kissed, it was great – Red wonders how much more strangely charged interaction is needed to get anything out of Regina then. She frowns at her and starts explaining why yes, she’ll be wanting to go on a date sometime soon - We’re apparently a very convincing fake couple, we’ve obviously gotten super close these weeks, you are my most frequently contacted number right now just to talk about whatever… We are falling in love, _we_.

Regina sits up then, forcing Red to take another step back – Sober up. I’m sure this won’t be a problem after, and I won’t even mention it. But now let’s get you to bed.

She steps back properly then, to grab the bottle from the floor and drink straight out of it with a sniff as she drops herself in the couch - There must be something really wrong with me. – She takes another long sip from the bottle – If they know me, if they don’t know me… doesn’t matter **.** Nobody ever wants me.

\- Red… that’s not true. – She drops herself from the desk and moves to the couch as well, to grab the bottle from her hands – You are amazing, I just don’t think this is a decision you can make while this impaired.

She holds on to her alcohol - I know you do want to screw me. Really can’t hide heartbeats or pheromones. No one can. And some of these assholes based their lives around harassing me two meals a day- She misses the way Regina’s face turns thunderous by her side -But then when I ask for more, people… you can’t even sit through a dinner. And we were friends.

Red half-asses air quotes on the word friends and Regina’s heart clenches in her chest. It’s more instinct that anything that drives her closer, hugging Red to herself with one arm – We _are_ friends, Red. And whether I want to be more or not, you are drunk. This is not the time. Trust me, you are wonderful well beyond the physical- The woman gives a dejected chuckle by her side and Regina sighs – Let’s get you home. Can you walk or do we risk magic?

\- Can I _walk_? – She tries to push her away but it is so weak that she must certainly not mean it - Just leave me here.

\- Eugenia would quite literally put an arrow through one of my body parts. – Regina stands to give her some space, and it works. She stands and Regina picks up the bottle and the glass, turns off the computer – Snow White will try to murder you tomorrow. The key to survival is looking sad.

\- Not a fucking problem.

Red marches out of the room like she didn’t drink a bottle of something by herself, stumbling only when a sharp turn made her eyes drag a bit too fast over a corner or something of the like. Regina’d seen her drunk only a handful of times and she was a much bigger mess when her heels were a hazard, in sensible clothing only the stench gives her away. Red walks ahead and enters the house without inviting her in at all and Regina hesitates but follows if only to make sure she doesn’t resume her drinking and has at least a glass of water.

That’s a mistake, as soon as she enters the living room Granny stands from her chaise – It’s barely 8pm girl, what’s with the distillery? – Red ignores her and she zeroes in on Regina instead – Is this your fault?

She holds her hands up - Just making sure she’s okay Eugenia, I don’t want any trouble

\- It’s fine, Gran – The bravado wears off then, with a sigh Red starts climbing the stairs up and shrugs – She can come up if she wants or whatever. This isn’t her fault.

They tuck themselves in her room and Regina smiles softly as she closes the door – I saw my life flash before my eyes

\- I’ll make sure everyone knows we’re okay. – She lets herself fall on the bed, face smushed against a pillow and hair strewn around her. Fully clothed and without any cover her eyes start drooping and she goes languid, one arm dropping to the floor. It’s almost funny, how fast some people can fall asleep. Regina remembers her instincts though, and moves to take off the boots and the jacket, and to try to move Red further into her bed. The woman is heavier than she looks, and she barely manages to make sure she’s fully in the bed and as comfortable as possible before leaving a glass of water and aspirin summoned from her house by her bedside table. She sits on the corner of the bed with a sigh, dragging up the covers over Red and when she’s done she stands, reaching over to put off the lamp but Red stops her, tucked in and eyes fluttering – It’s only 8? Let’s hang out.

\- Dear, your day is done. – It’s almost amusing to see her hang on to it so tightly with half a consciousness

\- Stay. – A hand sneaks out of the comforter to grab her wrist but the owner is half turned to the wall and well past hanging out. Still she looks around the room for a chair and finds nothing, so she eyes the bed and its inhabitant for a moment, would it be so awful? To indulge for a night and stay. _Just_ a glimpse is worse than never having seen at all, she knows this, so she disappears in a cloud of smoke.


	9. Chapter 9

Phase one went well enough without hair and make-up, but on top of that phase two required her to help set up a dinner table in the middle of the woods, and as much as she wants to she can’t bail on Snow twice in a row so, she shuffles into the clearing as quietly as she can to see Emma doing some spells on some trees with Regina’s direction from a safe spot on the ground.

Ripping the band-aid, she thinks as she shuffles closer to Regina with a grimace – Hi.

She turns quickly - Hello.

They look at each other for a long few seconds and Red sighs – I am so sorry for all that shit yesterday… I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.

\- It’s okay. Alcohol makes us all act strangely.

\- Yeah, and it’s not your problem I like you at all, you’re a very nice friend and I’ll get over it. You can sleep with whoever you want. And I’ll tell everyone we’re okay. Seriously, I’m sorry. – She chances a look Emma’s way to see her still engrossed on the tree, she turns back to Regina with a pleading look, if anything they can just avoid each other while she regains her common sense – I’ll get over it. – Someday.

She gets a frown in return - You still believe you’re attracted to me?

– I’m so sorry, I’m still making you uncomfortable.

The woman shakes her head minutely and puts a hand on her bicep, to the same effect of that time she touched her leg, diverting her attention without even realizing it. She asks – What did Emma tell you? To drag you through whatever existential crisis this is.

Red focuses again, as much as possible – She just pointed out stuff… I should’ve connected the dots before. Some of my friendships with women are very different than others.

\- So, you’ve never kissed Snow White and asked her to dinner while drunk?

She exhales a single chuckle – And I’ve never wanted to tear David’s limbs from his torso, big sign there.

Regina doesn’t say much for a long moment and her hand drops to its usual position, eyes fixed on Emma steadfastly – I’m sure you’ll snap out of it soon enough, dear.

She can only nod once as Regina starts to move away, to help Emma down. But her hand shoots out of her own volition and holds on to the other woman’s arm for a second- I really am super sorry.

They work in tandem after that, Emma is surprisingly doing most of the decorating while Regina casts spells and Red manages food, but every so often she loses her train of thought glancing the brunette’s way. She drops a few apples and curses under her breath diving under the makeshift table they’ve built from lumber she’d just carried from her granny’s truck and magic, crouching when her phone buzzes in the back pocket of the restrictive jeans she wears. She misses tips a bit but the lack of breeze on her legs is a god-send, and some people do like them better as well. She sends her arm back awkwardly to take the phone out of her pocket, and unlocks it so she can read the text. Terrible idea. She shoots up abruptly, banging her head on the table with force enough to cause a concussion, the plates on top of the table clattering and making Regina turn her way, she stays under the table and gives out a thumbs up to avoid any questions when she looks like she might come over and help her, Regina backs away and Red sighs as she reads Veronica’s taunt of the day masked in a question about the schedule for the week.

Red lets herself sink onto the forest floor with the phone steadily between her hands, Regina can do whatever she wants, yes. But… she could also slam Veronica with every night shift known to mankind for being an annoying bitch. She lets out a long sigh as she replies something neutral and before she can’t even leave her hiding spot Emma drops herself down on the floor as close as she can without getting under the table too.

\- Hey, I’m not even gonna ask if you’re okay because you look fucked up. What’s up? You can leave, I can handle this- “With Regina” goes unspoken and Red smiles at her as well as she can – Or I can tell her to leave, if seeing her is too much.

\- We’re fine, Emma.

\- Lie.

\- I’ll be fine.

Hard to tell if that’s a lie. Eventually? Sure, in the immediate future? She’s moping under a table in the middle of the woods - You gotta talk to someone Red. What’s up?

She turns to her best friend’s daughter, who would’ve been like a daughter to her as well and finds just Emma, someone she’s known for a couple of years now, the only one she’s got with actual experience in her current dilemma and sighs- I… miss her, so I don’t want to leave. But seeing her is worse. – Has it been more than a day since they spoke normally before she had to screw everything up? She can’t survive a single day?

Emma huffs, almost amused but sobers up and drops a hand on her shoulder – Can I ask what the problem is? – she knows Regina, and even if she hides it well the minuscule turn of her gaze Red’s way every few minutes gives her away, the missing goes both ways – You guys were happy and then you weren’t.

She glances Emma’s way, pondering – Ah, fuck… I guess I just want more than she does.

Nothing pings and Emma swerves her head Regina’s way, who’s inconspicuously tidying up leaves on a patch of fucking forest floor – I don’t know, man. I’ve never seen Regina show actual positive feelings about anyone other than Henry, even Robin was just like a dude that was there to be her date, she’d just stand by him and then leave with him. You guys looked like you were enjoying being around each other… did you propose or something? You have to give it at least a couple more months, she’s traumatized about that.

She asked for a single real date and got turned down, had she proposed Regina would have moved probably - Ha! – Red huffs and drags herself from under the table, glad to find Regina’s nowhere to be seen in the clearing, prepping something else. She probably shouldn’t blow their cover, as much as she wants to. Her role in the day is done for the most part and if she stays a second longer the whole thing is going to come out in the word vomit of the decade so she groans–It’s stupid and I will be fine.

\- Red-

\- I will be _fine_. - She finishes offloading her cargo in less than half an hour and leaves, there must be a pint of ice cream with her name on it in the fridge at Granny’s.

Emma has to trudge into the woods to find Regina again, sitting on some mossy root and digging in her heeled leather boot into the soil, obviously thinking of something in the most dramatic setting she could find nearby. She approaches, huffing as she marches up to her, angry in Red’s behalf – Regina!

\- Miss Swan – she drawls, looking up from her reverie and moving to stand – Ready to get on with preparations?

\- Are you honestly snarking me for stopping for a few minutes to speak to the woman you dumped less than a month ago? – She frowns – Didn’t you see her? She’s like a kicked puppy!

Oh well, it was to be expected that at the first sign of distress from their dear, dear friend they would all naturally conclude Regina is a heartless bitch unable to love anyone other than herself. What else could’ve happened? She stands and lowers herself to Emma’s level by stepping over a thick root – _Mutual agreement_ put an end to the relationship. – Not a lie and their official story, story they had _told_ these idiots. – I have some truly annoying traits when romantically inclined. Maybe we can be friends. – Do they still want to be friends? A day ago seems like another lifetime after all this… drama

Emma kicks at the foliage under her shoes – Well she thinks you didn’t care about her, so if you did, at all, you might want to fix that!

Surely Red wasn’t so foolish as to tell Emma Swan any of that? The message must’ve been lost in translation. She throws her hands up - Miss Swan, this is frankly none of your business.

She is relentless - Were you like, using her?

\- For what?! Free coffee?! – The entire charade was Red’s idea in the first place, a mutually beneficial agreement she had called it. So whatever she’d gone and told Emma Swan to justify her poor mood while they shared stories under a table had to be riveting enough to compete for an Oscar

\- You know for what.

It takes maybe a second to register, but when it does she takes a single step forward, from Emma’s point of view it looks like she’s being charged at. Her tone turns thunderous as her gaze darkens – She told you that I was using her for sex?

It’s more of an accusation than a question - I- No. Okay. She didn’t _tell_ me. – She swallows under Regina’s glower but doesn’t lose any ground – But it was fucking implied. She said she wanted more and you didn’t. Happy?

\- Do not act like I am forcing you, Miss Swan. You willingly meddled, twice now. So you better be willing to pass on the information – She walks towards Emma and points – You approach Red sympathetically, ask her how she’s doing, was Regina mean to you? Did she hurt your feelings? Do you want me to get rid of her for you? Then, you skew her words to fit your view of the world, and finally you come to me, all bravado and righteous anger to get my side of the story only if it fits yours. Have you asked how _I’m_ doing, Miss Swan? Do you wonder if _she_ was using _me_? Well here’s my fucking side of the story. You were the closest thing I had ever had to a real friend, it was mostly tumultuous but I figured: Hey we get along fine and have each other’s backs, it is clear now that it’s only in life or death situations… then I started getting to know Red and we match, so easily, incredibly so for people that lived a decade in opposite sides of a war. We are so different and yet my time with Red has been some of the best time I’ve ever spent. I like having her around and I care for her, I wasn’t using her, and it has been torture watch her run herself mad with whatever it is you’re putting into her head, feeling her go somewhere I can’t, on my right mind, follow.

Emma is stunned for a moment, she steps back from Regina’s intensity and blinks. They’re both so stupid, they love each other then. She motions to the mayor exasperatedly – Why won’t you tell her all that?

She huffs and lets out a disbelieving chuckle – Finish this yourself, Emma. – And with that she’s gone in a cloud of purple fog.


	10. Chapter 10

Granny bumps Red with a hip as she passes the stool she’s in, frowning but not even slowing down a bit – You okay? What’s going on? You two need to work it out.

Red looks up, downtrodden and sniffs a bit – We weren’t actually involved Granny. Just wanted to get Snow off our backs.

That makes her stop, and set down the box of peaches she was carrying, and sit on the stool next to Red’s, and put her hand softly on her shoulder even. Red eyes her strangely, she’s never been a kind-words kind of grandmother, but she looks like she’s about to change that – Don’t be stupid – Or not. She shakes her head – If you weren’t “actually involved” what have you been moping about for days? Why did you start wearing full-sized clothing? Your wolf doesn’t just run itself to random places girl, that’s the mother of your children. Fix it.

She blinks three times before she breaks, a few tears making their way out of her eyes. She drops her head on the bar – She doesn’t like me! Trust me, I tried yesterday… and now today she was like well, get over it – She cringes – Sorry Granny.

\- Lord help them because I don’t have the patience – she stands and heaves her peaches up again – Talk to her!

Henry seems to be gone with his friends and whatever plans she could’ve made with Red for the saturday evening while Snow is otherwise engaged don’t seem appealing after the couple days they’ve had. Regina guesses a couple of glasses of scotch and a subsequent questionable decision might be good enough for her and starts on the drinking in her study. And as she pours she finds herself going back to their entire ordeal, Red is… friendly by nature and she’s noticed no changes in her demeanor from the moment they were barely acquaintances to the last time they spent some time together having their lunch by the creek on the forest that borders her house on the back… sure, a bit of a romantic setting she had suggested and Regina had agreed while cursing herself for her commitment to masochism, but Red had thought it perfectly normal and she acts around her no differently than she does around Snow White even.

As she finishes her first glass, she concludes that Emma has to have tinted Red’s view of their friendship because she still thinks there was something between them and their continuing contact might seem like they still have feelings for each other, but they never did in the first place. The wolf never did. As she finishes the second, she thinks of how ridiculous it has to be for someone, once again, as beautiful as Red to come this far without having _one_ single woman show interest. If she was anything other than straight, she would know by now halfway into her third lifetime. By god, she figured it out when she was 15 and under Cora’s thumb. By the time she’s finishing her third, tall, glass of scotch her poor decision center stirs and she briefly considers Red’s indeed interested. But if she’s not, then it would be borderline predatory of her to take advantage of her moment of confusion, and it would probably shatter her own heart and the flimsy friendship between them to have her leave repulsed after anything happens. She pours herself a fourth glass and remembers Veronica’s offer, ever present on the table, if she can’t have it all in one person perhaps she can outsource orgasms to the infuriating girl while still being friends with Red, surely with time her beautiful green eyes will lose novelty, as well as the shine of her hair, and how her laugh takes a second more than usual to start but then goes on for what seems like days, and how she keeps on smiling full of mirth for minutes after the joke. Dear lord, Regina thinks as she tilts the last drops into her mouth, I’ll have to move out of town.

Regina’s phone buzzes on her desk, she glances at it, face grim with her many realizations of the afternoon. For a moment standing from the couch in her home office to go reach for it seems like an impossible task but she does need to refill her glass regardless so she goes and picks up the call before it goes to voicemail – How is everything going?! – she clenches her fist when she realizes it’s Snow

\- Dear, it’s going. What god-forsaken time is it? – It’s barely 8 pm, truly.

\- Oh! – She shrieks – What? Were you asleep? – And then a moment of silence Regina refuses to dignify it with a prompt – Okay, so, um. I need lingerie! Dinner is over, we’re at home, David’s out on a quick call from the sheriff’s station and I am starting to think my dress is a bit too…

Regina allows that to stretch for a moment as well - Virginal? - She makes a strangled little noise at that and Regina laughs – Was the weekend not sordid enough for you Snow? Did it fail to fulfil your wishes? Were you left wanting?

\- It’s not that! It was magical!

\- But…? if you don’t say it I won’t help you – She can just picture her, blushing from the neck to the very top of her ears, whispering this entire thing locked in her bathroom.

\- You and I are maybe the same size and if anyone has lingerie they have never worn, it’s you... Will you bring me one? Say yes please? – Her plaintive tone is ridiculous for what she’s asking

\- _Bring_ you one? Brat. - Snow blinks at the hung-up call, but nods resolutely, Regina would rather die than miss a single opportunity to taunt her. She’ll come. And Red is on her way already.

In a couple of minutes, she appears nonetheless in the living room they’d decorated the night before with three bags for Snow, who jumps at her sudden presence. Regina bypasses any greeting – _Please_ , keep whichever you take. Consider it my donation to your cause- Regina holds them out to her

Red’s voice comes from the side – You’re giving away clothes? Bit drunk to make that decision, no? – Snow looks Regina’s way to see that yes, her eyes are a little glassy, damn.

Regina turns but recovers quickly, resetting her expression to neutrality – There’s not enough fabric there to miss. It seems your dear friend needs to spice up her sex life. – she hears a gasp from Snow and Red’s eyebrows shoot up, she only told her to come by for advice.

Red chuckles – So what? Lingerie? Snow, just change into something you’re comfortable in, let it be _magical_ instead of something it’s never been.

\- It’s boring sometimes! – But that’s not the point, Regina’s slight inebriation will work in her favor

Red shrugs on her spot regardless of the fact Snow can’t see her, and avoids the eyes of the one who can – Some of us have never had magical, you should appreciate it.

Regina looks at her, Ruby’s occasional lovers never seemed to stick around, probably because of the curse, and there was no one before that, seemingly no one meaningful after either. Even after all the years of torture by Leopold’s hand, Maleficent had been nothing short of magical and even Robin had more than physical pleasure in mind when they’d been together. She’s too distracted to notice Snow sidling up to her and slapping a leather cuff onto her hand – What the hell?! – she pulls her arm back but it’s too late. Her magic goes dull inside her and she sways in her spot as the alcohol catches up in its absence

Red stands and bounds forward in a second to hold her up, she almost growls – Get it off her.

\- It’s okay! – Snow shrieks and runs away from them both, towards the hallway where she toys with the little barrier they have for Neal’s safety, stupidly, Red will murder her if Regina passes out but she seems to be stabilizing herself – You two are just gonna talk and then I’ll let you go. – She holds up a hand and stomps her foot like a toddler when they look like they want to protest – At first I was a little jealous you were together, but you were both so happy! Now it’s miserable. You’re drinking by yourself on a Saturday night and you’re all sad and subdued… so talk.

Regina hisses at her when she regains her footing – Snow, I will once again devote myself to making your life a living hell if I am not released this instant.

\- No! – she tosses the lingerie on the nearest chair from her position and bends down to grab at her bow to point their way – Emma and Granny and I agree that you guys still love each other and have to fix it.

They both gape at her for a moment and Red jumps over the coffee table to rattle the door, it’ll only budge if she wants to completely shatter it, but she can also simply climb off the window she supposes. They won’t keep Regina hostage if she manages to get out. The other woman takes a different approach though, she marches up to Snow regardless of any lack of armor– You dim little brat, when will you learn? We were never together. Never in love. We lied to stop you from meddling in our personal lives and look at what you’re doing now.

Snow gapes at them both and her mouth drops after, she tries to form some words, but nothing really happens for a minute – You lied all this time?

Red drops herself on the couch defeated – Sorry Snow. I just wasn’t up to date whoever you had forced into going out with me… I never thought it’d get this far, you should know Regina’d never date me- It was a nice place to finish but she’s been through the ringer. Her head hits the back of the couch as she flops and mutters - Best case scenario, she just wants to fuck me. Tell Granny there will definitely not be any children.

Regina forgets about Snow and whirls around furiously - I “just want to fuck you”?! If I wanted that, trust me dear, I would’ve gotten it done weeks ago– She had thought Emma was jumping to conclusions of her own but it seems that was a real thought that crossed Red’s mind. The wolf glares at her and she scoffs – What? You want me to be sympathetic to your moping session? Is it caused by my complete disregard to your person? Do you want me to leave so you can vilify me some more? I “was probably using you”?! Do you think I would’ve bothered with a fake friendship when there was no audience? You believe my _devious_ plan was to discuss Netflix shows whose episodes I timed with your progress? You think I just let any stray in to chase my son around and shed hair on my furniture? This is _insulting_. I spent months wasting my time and digging my own grave by harboring a schoolgirl _crush_ on a straight woman, torturing myself by deliberating whether I could stand to keep you around, and you think I “just want to fuck you”?! Even worse, you let Emma Swan believe that? – She breathes deeply enough times her agitation recedes a bit and finally turns away from Red, all the alcohol in her blood making a quick comeback as she closes her eyes to calm herself. She leans against a wall for support for one second– I am so tired of you all thinking the worst of me. I apologize If I ever made you feel like a piece of meat, but you cannot believe that I don’t care deeply for _you_ as well.

At some point Red had sat up on the border of the couch to avoid being yelled at while sprawled on Snow White’s couch – That was a very angry love confession. – She lets out a small watery smile

\- Yes, you’re infuriating. – Regina huffs and crosses her arms – It wasn’t worse than yours. “I’ve suddenly decided I’m not straight and want to date you after someone else tried to lay claim to you and I drank a bottle of cognac”, lovely.

\- I – She supposes it could be seen like that – I’m sorry, that I accused you of lying. It was just so much… I’ve never, you know, liked anyone like this. And I was feeling so much for you and you looked so unbothered! Borderline laughing when I asked you out...

Red drops her head a bit and Regina uncrosses her arms with a sigh, takes a step forward even – You were very intoxicated and you have to be at least 50 years old, I didn’t think you were serious when you went from straight to interested in the Evil Queen… Emma Swan has a way to confuse everyone.

She glances up - Well I am, interested in the Evil Queen. For real, Regina. – She sits, frozen in place and looking up at the woman holding all the cards in their relationship now, ball squarely on her side.

She blinks tiredly and looks away - You are horribly brave. How have you managed to stay whole your entire life?

\- Regina.

She paces away, throwing her head back and passing her hands through her hair – Fine. Yes. If you’re sure.

\- Yes… what? – Regina glares down at Red to see if she’s toying with her but she finds only earnest expectative in her eyes

\- Yes, I will go to dinner with you. –

The wolf intermingles a sigh of relief with a chuckle – Jesus. Had to make me sweat, didn’t you? -

She melts at the expression before her – Red, I am well past the point of interested in you. Yes, it is physical… but also everything else it can possibly be, and it has been eating at me since the night we drank that tequila at my house.

For a second they smile at each other with equally dopey expressions - Are you one of those extremely romantic people? Because I don’t know if I can take it. I might melt into a puddle.

\- As much as I love making puddles out of women, I’m sure you’ll be fine dear- Regina, a woman of action, takes another step forward and raises a hand to lift Ruby’s chin up so she can bend down and kiss her softly once, twice before moving away with a smile as her lids flutter open again.

She blinks until she’s out of her daze – Can we go have dinner right now? Soak up that alcohol.

\- Perhaps we skip dinner altogether – she gives her another kiss, slowly

\- Regina.

She chuckles – I’m sorry, seduction comes easier for me than emotional transparency. – She sits by Red on the couch, with a genuine smile on her face and Red leans back, suddenly shy but bold enough to hold her eyes. Regina breaks first with a laugh – Yes. If I’m still allowed in Granny’s.

Red snorts and reaches forward to pull Regina in a hug, and the woman laughs as she tucks herself under her chin. It’s a few seconds when Snow squeals from her spot, she seems to never have left – So you _are_ together now?


	11. Epilogue

\- Is it a year of the fake deal or a year of the time my mother kidnapped you guys? –

Regina pours Emma and Red some more wine as she passes by and kisses the side of the wolf’s head as she takes her seat by her side – We don’t separate the time. We went on plenty dates while the fake deal stood.

\- And Red was sleeping in the hallway – Henry adds

\- And Regina was making eyes at her when we met in the Diner – Snow tacks on

\- And sneaking into my house to “watch Netflix” and stink up the place with pheromones – Granny grumbles

\- Plus, we would have to share anniversaries with Snow and Charming if we went with the kidnaping date, and the queen wouldn’t have it. – Red takes Regina’s hand with a smile and Regina agrees with a little hum

\- Well, regardless - Emma raises her glass of wine– To R squared, for many more years to come.

They others chuckle and toast merrily as Regina moans about the R squared joke oh so popular in their family. Redgina, Red calls them, Wolf Queen is Henry’s choice. Snow and David, insufferable as they are, at least refer to them simply as Red and Regina, surely because they’ve been dubbed Snowing so they understand the pain.

Still, it’s a small thing in a sea of contentment for her. To have Red with her, at their home with Henry, and to be able to hold her and call her hers without the fake disclaimer in her mind has been beyond amazing and she will take whatever nicknames they might choose with only minimum resistance. She takes the moment to drop her head on the wolf’s shoulder as the conversation unravels around them and Red turns just enough to lay a kiss by her temple softly, before turning back to the table

\- Guys, well, you know Regina, she wanted us to have dinner by ourselves but I insisted, just a bit, she can’t deny me anything so here we are – they chuckle and Regina rolls her eyes but makes no move to dislodge herself from her shoulder even as Red moves her arms around – I wanted you all to be here because you were all instrumental to our relationship, and because this deserves to be said out loud and with an audience as often as possible. I love you, Regina. It’s a year since I told you to lie to Snow about us being involved, genius stroke in my behalf, and it’s a year since I started falling in love with you. Everyone else realized first and I’ll never live it down, so I wanted to be first for this. – She smiles as Regina finally sits up - A year ago we made a bet, you said David would ask me for help with a romantic dinner last minute and I said he would buy Snow some socks, he got her a pair of gloves- The man in question buries his face in his hands as they all chuckle and Regina makes a little _Ah_ face, she’d completely forgotten. Red nods solemnly – As my prize, I’d like you to become my wife – she reaches into the pocket of the red blazer Regina’d once removed off her with magic and slides a ring box Regina’s way with a smirk – And you can’t back out, because bets are sacred.

Snow’s gasp is the only sound in the room for a moment but Regina chuckles as she reaches for the box and pops it open to daintily grab the ring and make a show of inspecting it. It’s a gold band with a lovely red stone and how could she have expected anything else? She loves it for all it is – I suppose I did say winner sets her prize. – They all glance at each other over Red and Regina’s heads, only paying attention to each other as they are. Regina puts on the ring as if it isn’t the single most important moment of their lives – You beat me only by a couple hours darling, I wanted the public gone. – She opens her hand and a gilded box appears on it, open to show a silver ring with a stone that looks like it is made of moonlight itself, must be magic – Double or nothing? This year he rents a hot air balloon.

Red grabs for her ring and puts it on without any more ceremony that Regina had - I will beat you at this every single year for the rest of our lives. He gets her a stack of books. – She leans forward at last to kiss her fiancée and makes sure to pull at Regina’s chair with her leg as she encircles her waist with her hands and they all cheer for them when it’s clear there _will_ be a wedding soon.

Clear to most. Snow doesn’t know anymore – so they _are_ getting married?

David nods and mutters – Yeah, and I gotta change your anniversary gift.


End file.
